35 posts tagged “sadness”

"I can't believe that we would lie in our graves wondering if we had spent our living days well . . . "

It's impossible to know when we'll be gone, impossible to know what's going to happen to us next. Life is full of little surprises, isnt' it?  We live our lives every day, trying to do things to make it okay.  To get to the next day.  It's really easy to get into a routine.  It's really easy to stay stationary, in a way.  Lately, I've felt stationary in certain parts of my life while other parts are moving ahead wonderfully.  I just want the stationary parts to move forward too. 

The wedding planning is just about done.  It was pretty much done less than a month into the engagement.  We picked the date, the hall, DJ, pictures, etc.  All that's left is the flowers.  And then it's the little things.  Finalizing the guest list.  Picking the menu.  The easier stuff.  I'm thrilled that everything went so easily.  Just gotta wait the eight months until the wedding :-)

The rest feels like a routine.  I pretty much work for my next day off.  I look forward to Tuesdays and every other weekend, because that's when I'm off.  I'm actually looking forward to going back to school.  I feel like I need to jumpstart something.  I've been getting realllllly sick of Target lately, it's been a frustrating place to be.  I go through highs and lows all the time there, so I'll be fine soon enough.  But still, I need to finish up so I can move on and get a real job.

I cannot believe that next year is going to be my 10 year reunion.  Ten years since I graduated from high school.  It's such a strange feeling.  I'm going to be 27 in a few weeks.  Someone I work with turns 17 next week.  I hardly feel like I'm ten years older than her. 

I'm sitting here listening to Ants Marching . . . the studio cut from Under The Table and Dreaming.  I'm already up to 11 years of being a Dave Matthews Band fanatic.  We're talking about 40% of my life.  Is it any wonder that when I finally decided to get a tattoo, it would be a dmb one.  They just released a new album, one that I've been waiting with anticipation for a long time for. 

Good timing . . . a song from that album called You & Me just came on.  This song makes me feel really excited about starting my life with Heather.  It makes me excited about having a family, growing old with someone. 

You and me together
We could do anything, baby
You and me together
Yes, yes . . .

It's amazing how much this band means to me.  When LeRoi died, it felt like a family member died.  I was at the three concerts immediately following the funeral . . . the first one was just two days after.  The amazing thing is the fact that the band came out and played, even the night that Roi died.  Dave said he just wanted to be with the people one stage and with us in the audience.  Music was therapy for them, and it was for all of us at the Gorge that weekend.  Every show I've been to since, every time Dave mentions LeRoi, we all feel what Dave feels. He'll always be Stage Left.

But then the wrong and rage is over
When light comes laughing loud
Oh and the hatred turns into loving
And out of nightime the soul is found
Oh when flowers bloom in the desert
Only hope can come from that
Oh and worn down in your worry
Only love can get it right"

That's from Grey Street, July 12, 2000.  One of my absolute favorite versions that happened to pop up on shuffle. 

It's always been the lyrics for me.  I mean, the music is great.  But I don't know that much about music, and I usually just get lost in it.  On the message boards, when people are discussing Carter's drumming or Stefan or Boyd's fills, I don't really catch them.  But lyrics . . . Dave's words.  Those get me every time.  I've said before that I think Dave Matthews Band has saved my life on a few occasions.  I've been down before . . . like really low.  It's been a while since I've felt that way, but it's happened multiple times.  And it's always this music that keeps me going.  It's the Carpe Diem attitude. It's the way the songs relate to me.  It's the fact that I can put on certain songs like Song That Jane Likes or Granny, and I can't help but smile.  It just happens, no matter what's going on.  And sometimes, when you just have to listen to sad music, there's plenty of that there too.  There are a lot of lyrics that help you realize that you need to live for today, the first thing I wrote in this entry, from Lie In Our Graves, is a great example. When all is siad and done, you don't want to regret anything.  You don't want to wonder if you've lived well or not.  You need to be happy in your life. 

There used to be a very positive person inside of me.  It's still in there, but it's hidden by a lot of self-hate.  It's hidded deeeeeeep down, and it needs to come out soon.  It's gonna be tough . ..  but I really need fix what's wrong with me and fix my attitude. 

But really, life isn't bad at all. 

Hehe, certain songs can bring it all back to a good place for me. 

Like this one:

07 Spaceman

Dave Matthews Band

Sunday, August 12, 2007
Current Music: Bruce Springsteen - Born To Run
Current Mood: bad 

  So, a year ago today my parents came to visit me in South Dakota.  Rocio and I pretended to be together, since we hadn't told our parents about the breakup yet.  That was relatively uncomfortable, honestly. 

Then I started getting ready to move into the dorm after they left.  I was scared to death of going into the dorms.  Remember?  I posted about it on here, I believe.  God, what strange things I went through last year.

Oh, so how about this . . . last weekend (August 4-5) was one of the best weekends I've ever had.  Saw dmb twice, had a great time hanging out with James. It just all went well.  One year ago the same weekend I had what I still consider to be the worst weekend I've ever had in all of my life.  I went to Minneapolis with Rocio, Juan, and Michelle.  Things were bad.  I mean, we had just broken up a few weeks before, she was getting ready for Rob's first visit, and we just were NOT getting along at all.  A LOT was making me think about how terrible my life was at that point and things were just bad. 

So, it's funny that the same exact weekend on consecutive years can be such hugely opposite experiences! 

Anyway, today was a nice, relaxing day off.  I worked a bit yesterday, so today was my only real day off.  I didn't do much of anything except for hang out, listen to music, e-mail a few people, text message a few people, and listen to more music :-)  Can't complain about that at all.  Back to work tomorrow, but I feel good about my job now.  I'm all set up for this week's signing, so I should be fine.  I want to try to help Melissa in Market, since she's been having issues with being understaffed on the salesfloor.  So I'm going to try to throw some hours that way in the midst of my signing.  We'll see how it goes. 

I've been kinda sick the past four days, but it hasn't been too bad.  I've had a really annoying runny/stuffy nose thing going on, but I got Aleve Cold and Sinus (the stuff behind the pharmacy, the hard stuff!) for that.  But I have this annoying really deep cough, which frustrates me.  Hopefully it's going away soon.  At least I didn't get strep for the third time in four months!

I was just looking back at my Vox entries from last August.  Apparently I moved into the dorms August 28.  That's almost exactly a year before I start at my new college :-)  I start Adelphi on August 27.  I mean, I think.  I haven't officially gotten accepted yet, but I am 99% sure that I'm getting accepted.  But it takes up to two weeks for them to get it all set up, and I just finished getting my letters and transcripts in this past monday.  So tomorrow is only one week.  I'd much rather them tell me this week, though, then wait.  I don't want it to come too close. 

So, I made a stupid decision.  I stopped taking my meds again.  I do this every now and then, for two reasons:

1) I was feeling great at the time.  I honestly felt great about my life (as you may remember from my past entries).  So I figured I didn't need medicine to feel great, my life was great naturally.

2) I was sick of needing medicine to feel great in the first place. 

  I find, however, that I do need it. I mean, I didn't really think about it until today, but I just went downhill FAST once I stopped taking the medicine.  So I started again tonight.  It'll take a bit of time to kick in, but I'm back on it. 

 It's funny, though.  Although I'm back to being really, really depressed and lonely and whatnot, I'm still listening to stupidly depressing music.  I don't understand why I do that.  I just don't get myself.

I do look forward to going back to work tomorrow.  I like being there more than being off.  At least when I'm there, I get to see people and chat with people.  Then again, now that I have gym buddies, I feel more social.  Last night, after we went to the gym, Christine, Melissa, and I went to Cold Stone.  Oddly, I haven't been to Cold Stone since I was still living in Sioux Falls with Rocio.  So it's been a year.  But it was nice to just sit at the table, chatting about things over ice cream.  So, I have been more social lately.  And that'll become even more social when school starts and I'm hanging out with Andrew again, and seeing people at school as well as work.  And hopefully Pete will be more available. 

Yet as un-lonely as I have been, I feel completely alone.  I closed my e-harmony account.  Although I'm feeling this way, I want something to happen naturally somehow.  I want to experience finding someone in person.  Rocio and I started out on the internet (obviously, we had to), and it worked well . . .I mean we got along for most of the time and we did work well.  So I'm not against the internet.  I just want to experience something different. 

We'll see what happens.

This hasn't been nearly as depressing as I thought it would be.  But I'm going to try to get some sleep, since I overslept for work the past few days and haven't been on a normal sleeping routine since before my Hartford trip.

More tomorrow.

-Anthony

So, before I do anything else, I want to post an entry.  It's been two months since I've felt depressed.  I feel really down right now, though.  It's not depression, I don't think.  I'll be honest with you, I don't know why this feeling hit me.  Today has been a rough, emotional day for me.  And right now I'm listening to this, which I shouldn't be:

1-04 Some Devil

Dave Matthews

I made a playlist of 20 Johnny Cash songs in iTunes.  I'm listening to it now, and was in the mood to post an update, since it's been a few days and big things can happen in a few days, eh?

First off, let's just say that "Flesh and Blood" is a beautiful song, but it's the kinda song that feels better to listen to when you're with someone. 

Okay, so as I posted before, I will be the new signing specialist at my Target.  This is big for me, and I'm really excited about it.  I'll be finishing up my week on the in-stock team as I was regularly scheduled for it.  So tomorrow will be my last day with Ryan, Matt, and Brian, and then I'll finish out by working the weekend with the in-stock team lead, Andrew.  He's our manager.  Then I'll start signing on Monday.  Gina, the girl who does it now, will be pretty much training me, and then we'll be working together for a while.  I mean, she can't lift anything over ten pounds, and she can't climb ladders, due to her pregnancy, so she'll pretty much be setting stuff up and having me do it, hehe.  But it'll be good to learn that way instead of some sort of training video or something! 

So, I'll be posting about how it's going next week! 

So, yesterday I decided that I'll be attending Adelphi University for my Masters.  The people there were so nice.  The person from the school of education that I met was extremely helpful.  He gave me all the information I need and made it clear that I'd be getting in once my application was all received, which is awesome.  It's a relief, really.  And I'm excited about starting a new school.  Its a beautiful campus.  The school was founded in 1896 in Brooklyn, and then moved in 1912 to its current location in Garden City, which is about 30 miles from here.  It's a bit of a drive, but it's going west, so it won't be too bad at the time I'll be going.  See, coming east, from NYC, the traffic at rush hour (3-7pm) is terrible.  But most people live east of where they work, so I'll be heading west, so the traffic won't be nearly as bad.

So, I'll post more about that, too, when I get everything set up. I'll be getting an ID card, e-mail address, and all that fun stuff.  And books.  And everything. OOooooh, I am excited :-D

Ya know, this has been probably the best week I've had in the past year.  Two pieces of good news, and no bad news or anything.  But that hasn't stopped me from having these weird dreams about Rocio and living in South Dakota, and things being much different. I guess my mind just won't let me be 100% happy.  I'm not down or anything, but those thought still creep into my mind, even if it is subconsciously.  Oh well.  I'm still doing well :-)

Okay, it's nearly bedtime.  Although I'll be working at 7:30 for a while when I start my new job, right now I'm still due in at 6 for the rest of the week!

-Anthony

Monday, July 9, 2007
Current Music: Bruce Springsteen - Nebraska
Current Mood: nostalgic

   I know that I shouldn't post this.  I shouldn't be listening to the music I'm listening to, shouldn't be blogging, and shouldn't be thinking what I am.  But most other nights I'd be asleep for an hour by now . . . I'm just not in the mood to sleep.  I wish I was though!

I'm gonna just go ahead and say this right off the bat . . . I'm keeping this entry public, but Rocio, if you're reading this, I'd recommend you either stop reading or don't hold what I say against me. 

Okay . . . let's go ahead and start.  Perfect timing, as this song comes to an end. What's next . . .

(Now playing: David Gray - Please Forgive Me)

   Okay.  So, tonight was the annual MLB Homerun Derby.  It takes place the same time every year, the second Monday in July.  It's always been one of my favorite things in the baseball season.  Last year I was even more excited because it a Met was in the derby . . . David Wright!  Last year was nice, too, because I was still living in Sioux Falls, and Juan and I were watching while Rocio was at the gym.  Then she came home from the gym and told me that we were broken up. 

In the second round of the derby.  While David Wright was winning!

Then she got in a car and drove away, leaving me wondering what was happening.

And we've finally hit that point . . . we've hit a year.  Amazingly, I've been feeling great about my life the past month.  I've posted about it here before, but work's been great, my friends have been amazing, I've been feeling really excited about my future in many different respects.  I haven't been dwelling on this stuff . . . but I knew that certain days would be coming up when it is unavoidable.  This was a big one. 

(Now playing: Andrew Bird - Tables and Chairs)

  How does iTunes know which songs are going to remind me of things and bring me down?  It's very intuitive!

  So, yeah.  I didn't watch the derby tonight.  I did record it.  I may watch it at some point.  But I couldn't tonight.  I know it sounds dumb, but I worry that it'll always remind me of those feelings.  Like, even though I don't feel badly anymore, I remember what it felt like that night.  I remember it pretty clearly, and I'm fairly certain that each year it's going to remind me when the Homerun Derby is on. 

There are other days coming up that I am really not looking forward to.  July 21, 2007 was the date we asked the Ramada to hold for our wedding.  It's also the day that the new Harry Potter book comes out, which will remind me of the night Rocio and I went to Barnes and Noble for their midnight release party for the Half-Blood Prince.  So July 21 will be a tough day. 

July 23 was our anniversary.  Five years ago that day is when I first told her that I loved her.  Seems strange that it was five years ago.

(Now playing: Coldplay - Trouble)

  Understand that I'm not particularly depressed about any of this.  In fact, when I think about how awkward/terrible last summer was, I am so excited that this summer is going as well as it is.  It's just that July kinda sucks.  Hehe.

I'll get by, though.  I will.

I thought this post would be much more negative.  I'm glad it's not.

-Anthony

This is the latest I've been up in a long time.  I've been super-tired lately, since I work at 6am and all.  But I was off today, and I was at the Mets game at night, and so I'm still awake.  Thankfully, I'm off tomorrow as well.  I'm gonna try to wake up early enough that I'm tired at night.  Yeah.

So, I've been down a bit the past few days.  I just hate waiting for things.  I am impatient.  And since what I'm waiting for has no timeline for when it's gonna happen, that makes me worse.  That's the way I get anxious and whatnot.

So this bothers me a lot.  I do look forward to work on Tuesday, since it's back to normal, in a sense.  But yeah, that's what I'm feeling.

I wanted to write more, but I'm not feeling it now.

Let's do a bit of music:

(Now playing: Ed Ryan - Mine All Mine)

   Ya know, I find all these songs that would be awesome to put on a mix of love songs or something.  But I'd have no one to give it to, and that makes me feel even worse.

I like Ed Ryan's music a lot.  He's the guy who opened for Colin Hay.  Nice poppy acoustic music, ya know?  It's up my alley.  And I got a chance to talk to him afterwards.  He's a nice guy.  And apparently his middle name is Anthony, and that's neat :-)

(Now playing: The Beatles - Real Love)

  I also have a solo version of this from the John Lennon Anthology.  But this is from the Beatles Anthology.  This is the second song that they made from John's demos, the first being Free As A Bird.

I have the DVDs of the Beatles Anthology.  I've watched about half of it, but I never finished it.  I want to though, so I think I may start watching again this week. 

I like Real Love a lot.  It's a sweet song.  I really liked/like the Beatles. :-)

(Now playing: Rufus Wainwright - 11:11)

  Okay, so this song has significant meaning for me, even though it really shouldn't.  You see, one of the many times that Rocio and I went to New York City, we were supposed to meet my dad for lunch, since he worked up at Rockefeller Center.  Well, we got to Ronkonkoma in time to catch the Long Island Railroad's 11:14 train.  Unfortunately, the train was scheduled for 11:11.  And so my dad said "Eleven ELEVEN" in a fun way that Rocio and I always used to say  throughout the rest of our relationship.

So yeah, this song is something I listen to and think of that.   He even mentions Manhattan . . .  I believe the line he sings is "Turns out that everything really does happen in Manhattan" or something like that.

Also, I just learned yesterday that Rufus Wainwright is gay.  This tidbit does not affect me or bother me in any way, but I didn't know it until I did some research on him when I was bored. 

(Now playing: The Shins - Know Your Onion!)

  Well, I should skip this song but I can't.  EVERY TIME I hear this song, I think of Iowa.  I must have heard it a lot when Rocio and I would drive to see her parents in Iowa.  That has to be the reason.  It's just so clear in my eyes:  Corn fields, open roads, driving with Rocio.  Good times, they were.

I'm not well anymore.

I must skip the song.

(Now playing: Billy Joel - Summer, Highland Falls)

  I'm going to end on this one.  This is one of those songs that I've heard since I was born (again, Billy Joel has been playing in my house since waaaay before I was born, and his music will always have a special place in my heart).  I love this song, though.  Just a great, well written song. 

"For we are always what our situations hand us
It's either sadness or euphoria"

More soon, vox.

-Anthony
(Now playing:

You have to know right off the bat that I should not be awake right now.  It's after 2am, I'm supposed to wake up in three hours to go to work.

Understand also that I'm very confused feeling right now and I need to blog.  It's really the only way I am able to deal with the things in my head, frighteningly. 

By the way, now playing is Johnny Cash and Joe Strummer singing Redemption Song.

Anyway, tonight I went to the Mets game with my brother-in-law.  It was a very rainy evening, and around 8:00 they announced that if the game starts at all from the rain delay, it would be after 9pm.  Since I wanted to leave by 11 in order to sleep a bit before work, we decided to just leave.  They ended up starting at 10:15, after I was comfortably in bed. 

I did watch the game anyway, and I'm still not tired, and I'm disappointed that I wasn't there, and I'm kinda down, and everything is going that way for me right now.

(Now Playing: Rod Stewart - Father & Son)

  Okay, this song is actually a song by Cat Stevens.  Alex sent it to me after I started my relationship with Rocio, because my parents were kinda against it at the time, seeing as how there was such a distance and they were afraid I was going to get hurt.  The lyrics are perfect.  It's alternating between what the Father would say, then the son, then back and forth.  Kinda like, the father wants him to take it slow, wait things out, find someone else.  The son wants to give love a chance. 

It made me cry on many occasions, but I know that they were only looking out for me.  I know that, but it still was so hard to deal with.

It's just been one of those days, I guess.  I am very much enjoying my new job.  I'm kinda nervous about how my body will handle working 4 days in a row, since I'm just not used to that.  But I'll be okay, I guess.  Plus, there's a reward on Sunday night . . . Mets vs. Yankees at Shea with my dad!  That'll be great. 

(Now playing: Bob Dylan - Most of the Time)

   Well, iTunes is on random, but I wish it hadn't put this song on.  I'm not going to shut it, even though I should.  I posted about it a few posts ago, even including the song itself along with the lyrics. 

It was also in the movie High Fidelity, which I need to watch again soon.  I own it, so it shouldn't be too much of a problem. 

I found a few necklaces that I bought back when I was trying to look cool.  Like, cool guy necklaces, like Dave Matthews wears in the Dave and Tim storytellers.  One is made out of hemp, the other some beads.  I was thinking about wearing one tomorrow to work.  That'd be different!  We'll see how different I went to feel tomorrow morning (which is actually a few hours from now when I get ready for work).

How am I going to deal with this.  Even if I'm exhausted form not sleeping, I'll go to sleep early tomorrow night, right?  But what if I'm so exhausted that I don't even wake up for 6 the next day.  I can't make a habit of this.  I cannot make this a habit, got it?!

Sometiems I need to just yell at myself, I guess.  But for the rest of tonight, I need to find something to pass the next 2.5 hours that won't make me sleepy.  Because although I'm not sleepy now, it'd be a shame if I was watching something and got super-sleepy at 3:30, when I'd have to wake up an hour and a half later.  See, this is why this is a bad, bad idea. 

(Now playing: Dave Matthews Band - Rhyme and Reason)

  This is the perfect song for what I wanted to talk about next.  This song is all about the terrors of heroin addiction.  It's a dark, deep, great song.  But I wanted to talk about drugs.  James, Sam, and I listened to Mitch Hedberg's CD on the way home from the game last night.  And I got to thinking about his death of a drug overdose.  Then I looked around on wikipedia to see what other celebrities died from drugs.  I hate that Chris Farley is dead (Although I'm still much more angry that Phil Hartman is gone).  I don't understand drugs . . . probably since I've never used any.  And I am against using them.  So I don't understand the appeal, and I really have no interest in finding out why they're so great. 

In Rhyme and Reason, Dave sings "My head won't leave my head alone/And I don't believe it will/Til I'm dead and gone".  That is unbelievably perfect.  Having never used, I still kinda understand what he's saying.

How about a little reminder:

(Now playing: Elliott Smith - Between The Bars)

  Elliott Smith's voice is haunting.  I don't use the word often to describe a musician.  But it's how I feel when I listen to his music.  Another drug user, but he died by (presumed) self-stabbing.

   This one one of the songs that Andrea put on a CD that she made me back in 2002, when I was first getting into the Rocio relationship.  She and Rocio both love music, and she put songs that she thought we would both enjoy.  The memories I have of listening to that CD with Rocio . . . good memories that cause great pain right now.

(now playing: P. Diddy - Come With Me)

  Back in the day, when this first came out (1997), I didn't know what Kashmir by Led Zepplin was!  Now whenever I hear this song, I don't even hear Diddy as much as Kashmir. 

Wait, wasn't he known as Puff Daddy back then?

Anyway, it was on the Godzilla soundtrack.

I have to go to the next song.

(now playing: Johnny Cash - Flesh and Blood)

  Beautiful song.  A love song . . . .Flesh and blood needs flesh and blood . . .and you're the one I need.

Johnny Cash gives me such great memories of driving around with Rocio, listening to his music in our car, planning our wedding . . . it also gives me the other kind of feelings that are most obviously associated with tose memories.  Yeah, they were great times . . . little did I know that bad things were brewing.  Little did I know that all of those great feelings would be gone within a month. 

 (Now playing: Jack Johnson - Banana Pancakes)

  I don't care how many times I post about this song.  This is a wonderful song. 

Here, listen:

03 - Banana Pancakes

Jack Johnson

2 comments

Let's do music. 

(Now playing: Haley Bonar - Am I Allowed?)

Someone commented on my Vox when I posted this song and said that it was one of the very few "perfect" song.  I agree wholeheartedly with that statement.  It makes me sad, it's true.  But it's okay.

Rocio and I went to see Andrew Bird in February of 2006.  It was by far the best time we had while I was living in SD.  It was an amazing trip, we stayed in a suite, we got to meet Andrew Bird.  It all went well.  But Haley opened for Andrew Bird.  And I really enjoyed her music.  Standing there, maybe fifteen feet from her, watching her sing, feeling her music, making eye contact . . . nothing beats live music.  I wish I saw more of it.  I remember feeling like it was one of those perfect moments that only music can bring you :)

(Now playing: Jack Johnson - Banana Pancakes)

   This is a great song.  This song is like one of the happiest songs I've ever heard.  I remember a lot of times driving around with Juan (Rocio's brother) and he'd play this and it just made me happy.  I can't get over how sweet this song is.  I need to find someone.  I say that often, but I want to feel good again.  I want to feel right.

Okay, happy song, but I need to move to the next song.

(Now playing: Dave Matthews Band - Grey Street)

  Yes, the song that my username comes from.  There is so much emotion in Grey Street.  I remember standing in the parking lot of the mall in the summer of 2000.  My friend Dan, the guy who got me into dmb, was telling me about the new songs that debuted on tour that summer.  Grey Street was one of them.  And I remember him telling me that of all the new songs, Grey Street had the potential to be that epic song that would get the energy in the arena/stadium/amphitheater to the max.  I agree.  Especially the 2000 versions, which is one of the ones I'm listening to now.  Dave changed the words every time he played it back then.  Amazing.

I can't believe that was 7 years ago.  I wonder how Dan's doing.  I added him to my Facebook a while back and we messaged each other on there to say hi.  Dan is a great guy.  And, being the guy who got me into dmb, he was very influential in my life.  I mean, I can 100% honestly say that my life would be so different if I hadn't gotten into dmb.  I wouldn't know Rocio (we met on a dmb message board), I might not be such good friends with James (he and I talk about Target and the Mets, but dmb mostly).  And I might not have the same personality that I have now.   It's strange to think about, and I'll never know, and I'm fine with that.

(Now playing: Simon and Garfunkel - The Sound of Silence)

   This was the first Simon & Garfunkel song that I ever listened to.  I remember putting the needle to the record, listening to this, and being blown away.  And this was when I was 13 or so.  I'm not a hippe or anything, but this kind of music will always have a special place in my heart. 

And I love Paul Simon's voice :-)

(Now playing: John Parr - St. Elmo's Fire)

   I love this song.  The movie was okay, but it wasn't as influential in my life as other 80s movies like Ferris Beuller's Day Off and Breakfast Club.  But the song is amazing.  Pete bought the 80s box set that I have on my computer that is where this sound file is from.  We went to the mall back in 2004 or so and he bought it and we would drive around and listen to it.  In fact, we still do very often.  And this is one of the first songs we put on when we do.  It's infectious:

I can see a new horizen
underneath the brazen sky
I'll be where the eagle's flying higher and higher
I can be a man in motion
Underneath these pair of wheel's
Take me where my future's lying
St. Elmo's Fire!!!!

Great :-)

(Now playing: Matchbox20 - Push)

  Wow.  I've written about Matchbox20 before.  I was very into them in 10th grade.  Up until now, 10th grade was the absolute most depressing year of my life.  This album certainly added to that depression.  Nearly every song was about losing love, wanting to die, and other sad, lonely things.  And you know, I can listen to it now without feeling that kinda stuff anymore.  Thank god.  I mean, I am down, but at least this music doesn't get me super-down or anything.

(Now playing: Death Cab for Cutie - The New Year)

  Andrew made me a mix CD this semester, and it was awesome.  He likes good music, and I have been trying to get into new music myself.  Rocio also has recommended Death Cab for Cutie.

You see, for most of the last 10 years, I have been really into dmb.  Like, there are stretches of years that that's all I listened to.  But every now and then, I would get burnt out on dmb, and then not be able to listen to them for a long time.  I am trying to not let that happen this time by listening to other stuff.  I really got into Colin Hay.  Then I got into  indie type music, like music that Zach Braff puts in movies and Scrubs :-)

(Now playing; Howie Day - Collide)

  Perfect timing.  A song from the Scrubs soundtrack :-)  This is gonna be the last song on this entry.  This is a down song.  It gets me down, anyway.  I say it over and over again: I want to be in love.  It was the most wonderful experience, and I miss feeling loved and feeling love.  Like, a lot.  And I know that eventually I'll find someone.  I know that.  But I just hate waiting. 

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I finally find
You and I
Collide

   Insanely good song.

More tomorrow.

-Anthony

Let's do music. 

(Now playing: Haley Bonar - Am I Allowed?)

Someone commented on my Vox when I posted this song and said that it was one of the very few "perfect" song.  I agree wholeheartedly with that statement.  It makes me sad, it's true.  But it's okay.

Rocio and I went to see Andrew Bird in February of 2006.  It was by far the best time we had while I was living in SD.  It was an amazing trip, we stayed in a suite, we got to meet Andrew Bird.  It all went well.  But Haley opened for Andrew Bird.  And I really enjoyed her music.  Standing there, maybe fifteen feet from her, watching her sing, feeling her music, making eye contact . . . nothing beats live music.  I wish I saw more of it.  I remember feeling like it was one of those perfect moments that only music can bring you :)

(Now playing: Jack Johnson - Banana Pancakes)

   This is a great song.  This song is like one of the happiest songs I've ever heard.  I remember a lot of times driving around with Juan (Rocio's brother) and he'd play this and it just made me happy.  I can't get over how sweet this song is.  I need to find someone.  I say that often, but I want to feel good again.  I want to feel right.

Okay, happy song, but I need to move to the next song.

(Now playing: Dave Matthews Band - Grey Street)

  Yes, the song that my username comes from.  There is so much emotion in Grey Street.  I remember standing in the parking lot of the mall in the summer of 2000.  My friend Dan, the guy who got me into dmb, was telling me about the new songs that debuted on tour that summer.  Grey Street was one of them.  And I remember him telling me that of all the new songs, Grey Street had the potential to be that epic song that would get the energy in the arena/stadium/amphitheater to the max.  I agree.  Especially the 2000 versions, which is one of the ones I'm listening to now.  Dave changed the words every time he played it back then.  Amazing.

I can't believe that was 7 years ago.  I wonder how Dan's doing.  I added him to my Facebook a while back and we messaged each other on there to say hi.  Dan is a great guy.  And, being the guy who got me into dmb, he was very influential in my life.  I mean, I can 100% honestly say that my life would be so different if I hadn't gotten into dmb.  I wouldn't know Rocio (we met on a dmb message board), I might not be such good friends with James (he and I talk about Target and the Mets, but dmb mostly).  And I might not have the same personality that I have now.   It's strange to think about, and I'll never know, and I'm fine with that.

(Now playing: Simon and Garfunkel - The Sound of Silence)

   This was the first Simon & Garfunkel song that I ever listened to.  I remember putting the needle to the record, listening to this, and being blown away.  And this was when I was 13 or so.  I'm not a hippe or anything, but this kind of music will always have a special place in my heart. 

And I love Paul Simon's voice :-)

(Now playing: John Parr - St. Elmo's Fire)

   I love this song.  The movie was okay, but it wasn't as influential in my life as other 80s movies like Ferris Beuller's Day Off and Breakfast Club.  But the song is amazing.  Pete bought the 80s box set that I have on my computer that is where this sound file is from.  We went to the mall back in 2004 or so and he bought it and we would drive around and listen to it.  In fact, we still do very often.  And this is one of the first songs we put on when we do.  It's infectious:

I can see a new horizen
underneath the brazen sky
I'll be where the eagle's flying higher and higher
I can be a man in motion
Underneath these pair of wheel's
Take me where my future's lying
St. Elmo's Fire!!!!

Great :-)

(Now playing: Matchbox20 - Push)

  Wow.  I've written about Matchbox20 before.  I was very into them in 10th grade.  Up until now, 10th grade was the absolute most depressing year of my life.  This album certainly added to that depression.  Nearly every song was about losing love, wanting to die, and other sad, lonely things.  And you know, I can listen to it now without feeling that kinda stuff anymore.  Thank god.  I mean, I am down, but at least this music doesn't get me super-down or anything.

(Now playing: Death Cab for Cutie - The New Year)

  Andrew made me a mix CD this semester, and it was awesome.  He likes good music, and I have been trying to get into new music myself.  Rocio also has recommended Death Cab for Cutie.

You see, for most of the last 10 years, I have been really into dmb.  Like, there are stretches of years that that's all I listened to.  But every now and then, I would get burnt out on dmb, and then not be able to listen to them for a long time.  I am trying to not let that happen this time by listening to other stuff.  I really got into Colin Hay.  Then I got into  indie type music, like music that Zach Braff puts in movies and Scrubs :-)

(Now playing; Howie Day - Collide)

  Perfect timing.  A song from the Scrubs soundtrack :-)  This is gonna be the last song on this entry.  This is a down song.  It gets me down, anyway.  I say it over and over again: I want to be in love.  It was the most wonderful experience, and I miss feeling loved and feeling love.  Like, a lot.  And I know that eventually I'll find someone.  I know that.  But I just hate waiting. 

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I finally find
You and I
Collide

   Insanely good song.

More tomorrow.

-Anthony

Wednesday Morning, May 2, 2007, 3am
Current Music: Simon and Garfunkel - The Only Living Boy In New York
Current Mood: calm/sad  

   I dunno.  I'm not down, but I am.  Tonight was my last US History class, and my teacher had us meet at the bar at John Harvard's to celebrate.  It was a great time.  I drank more than I've drank in a long time, although that's not hard to do.  I had 4 beers, although I only finished half of the last one.  I was also there for 3.5 hours, so I don't feel so bad about it.  I was having a great time talking with a few guys who are already teachers.  It is nice to talk to people in the classroom already, it helps me get ready for when I become a teacher.  I got a chance to talk to everyone that I wanted to and say my goodbyes.  I honestly won't see most of these people ever again.  And that's what got me sad.

I came home and remained sad. 

Then James called at like 10:30.  We ended up conversing with each other and with his cousin Samantha until about 2:30 or so.  It put me in a much better mood, honestly.  I love being home and having friends around here. 

(Now playing: Colin Hay - Into The Cornfields)

    I mean, I had a few friends in South Dakota, but it was kinda linked to the relationship, and it got harder and harder even being in Sioux Falls for a while.  After some more time, I ended up staying in Vermillion almost all the time, except for when I had to drive out to Sioux Falls for work. 

  Here I see my friends from time to time, which is awesome.  I've been enjoying school, and now it's over.  And then I start my new job at Target in a few weeks.  And then I'll be working a lot and making a good amount of money and that excites me :)  Yay!!!

Anyway, it is 3:09am.  That's not gonna be good for me.  I don't wanna wake up late tomorrow.  I drank a lot of water, so I don't think I'll have a hangover.  Also the fact that I wasn't drunk should make me not have one either :)

(Now playing: The Beatles - While My Guitar Gently Weeps)

   I dunno, though.  I think I had a buzz going, as they say.  It was interesting, that's for sure.  The only time I've ever drank enough to perhaps be drunk was at my going away party back in April of 2005.  I had a lot to drink, but I was always in control of myself, remember everything, and woke up just fine the next day.  And I drank a lot more than 3.5 beers, heh. 

  So yeah, long story short, I'm in an okay mood at 3:13am.  I want to be tired, but since I'm not, I'll just embrace being awake.  I'll watch Judge Mathis and some Scrubs episodes I have saved up and before we know it it'll be morning.  That's what I'll do. 

Good times :)

I'm gonna go now.

More later, yo :)

-Anthony