18 posts tagged “rocio”

Sunday, August 12, 2007
Current Music: Bruce Springsteen - Born To Run
Current Mood: bad 

  So, a year ago today my parents came to visit me in South Dakota.  Rocio and I pretended to be together, since we hadn't told our parents about the breakup yet.  That was relatively uncomfortable, honestly. 

Then I started getting ready to move into the dorm after they left.  I was scared to death of going into the dorms.  Remember?  I posted about it on here, I believe.  God, what strange things I went through last year.

Oh, so how about this . . . last weekend (August 4-5) was one of the best weekends I've ever had.  Saw dmb twice, had a great time hanging out with James. It just all went well.  One year ago the same weekend I had what I still consider to be the worst weekend I've ever had in all of my life.  I went to Minneapolis with Rocio, Juan, and Michelle.  Things were bad.  I mean, we had just broken up a few weeks before, she was getting ready for Rob's first visit, and we just were NOT getting along at all.  A LOT was making me think about how terrible my life was at that point and things were just bad. 

So, it's funny that the same exact weekend on consecutive years can be such hugely opposite experiences! 

Anyway, today was a nice, relaxing day off.  I worked a bit yesterday, so today was my only real day off.  I didn't do much of anything except for hang out, listen to music, e-mail a few people, text message a few people, and listen to more music :-)  Can't complain about that at all.  Back to work tomorrow, but I feel good about my job now.  I'm all set up for this week's signing, so I should be fine.  I want to try to help Melissa in Market, since she's been having issues with being understaffed on the salesfloor.  So I'm going to try to throw some hours that way in the midst of my signing.  We'll see how it goes. 

I've been kinda sick the past four days, but it hasn't been too bad.  I've had a really annoying runny/stuffy nose thing going on, but I got Aleve Cold and Sinus (the stuff behind the pharmacy, the hard stuff!) for that.  But I have this annoying really deep cough, which frustrates me.  Hopefully it's going away soon.  At least I didn't get strep for the third time in four months!

I was just looking back at my Vox entries from last August.  Apparently I moved into the dorms August 28.  That's almost exactly a year before I start at my new college :-)  I start Adelphi on August 27.  I mean, I think.  I haven't officially gotten accepted yet, but I am 99% sure that I'm getting accepted.  But it takes up to two weeks for them to get it all set up, and I just finished getting my letters and transcripts in this past monday.  So tomorrow is only one week.  I'd much rather them tell me this week, though, then wait.  I don't want it to come too close. 

So, I made a stupid decision.  I stopped taking my meds again.  I do this every now and then, for two reasons:

1) I was feeling great at the time.  I honestly felt great about my life (as you may remember from my past entries).  So I figured I didn't need medicine to feel great, my life was great naturally.

2) I was sick of needing medicine to feel great in the first place. 

  I find, however, that I do need it. I mean, I didn't really think about it until today, but I just went downhill FAST once I stopped taking the medicine.  So I started again tonight.  It'll take a bit of time to kick in, but I'm back on it. 

 It's funny, though.  Although I'm back to being really, really depressed and lonely and whatnot, I'm still listening to stupidly depressing music.  I don't understand why I do that.  I just don't get myself.

I do look forward to going back to work tomorrow.  I like being there more than being off.  At least when I'm there, I get to see people and chat with people.  Then again, now that I have gym buddies, I feel more social.  Last night, after we went to the gym, Christine, Melissa, and I went to Cold Stone.  Oddly, I haven't been to Cold Stone since I was still living in Sioux Falls with Rocio.  So it's been a year.  But it was nice to just sit at the table, chatting about things over ice cream.  So, I have been more social lately.  And that'll become even more social when school starts and I'm hanging out with Andrew again, and seeing people at school as well as work.  And hopefully Pete will be more available. 

Yet as un-lonely as I have been, I feel completely alone.  I closed my e-harmony account.  Although I'm feeling this way, I want something to happen naturally somehow.  I want to experience finding someone in person.  Rocio and I started out on the internet (obviously, we had to), and it worked well . . .I mean we got along for most of the time and we did work well.  So I'm not against the internet.  I just want to experience something different. 

We'll see what happens.

This hasn't been nearly as depressing as I thought it would be.  But I'm going to try to get some sleep, since I overslept for work the past few days and haven't been on a normal sleeping routine since before my Hartford trip.

More tomorrow.

-Anthony

I made a playlist of 20 Johnny Cash songs in iTunes.  I'm listening to it now, and was in the mood to post an update, since it's been a few days and big things can happen in a few days, eh?

First off, let's just say that "Flesh and Blood" is a beautiful song, but it's the kinda song that feels better to listen to when you're with someone. 

Okay, so as I posted before, I will be the new signing specialist at my Target.  This is big for me, and I'm really excited about it.  I'll be finishing up my week on the in-stock team as I was regularly scheduled for it.  So tomorrow will be my last day with Ryan, Matt, and Brian, and then I'll finish out by working the weekend with the in-stock team lead, Andrew.  He's our manager.  Then I'll start signing on Monday.  Gina, the girl who does it now, will be pretty much training me, and then we'll be working together for a while.  I mean, she can't lift anything over ten pounds, and she can't climb ladders, due to her pregnancy, so she'll pretty much be setting stuff up and having me do it, hehe.  But it'll be good to learn that way instead of some sort of training video or something! 

So, I'll be posting about how it's going next week! 

So, yesterday I decided that I'll be attending Adelphi University for my Masters.  The people there were so nice.  The person from the school of education that I met was extremely helpful.  He gave me all the information I need and made it clear that I'd be getting in once my application was all received, which is awesome.  It's a relief, really.  And I'm excited about starting a new school.  Its a beautiful campus.  The school was founded in 1896 in Brooklyn, and then moved in 1912 to its current location in Garden City, which is about 30 miles from here.  It's a bit of a drive, but it's going west, so it won't be too bad at the time I'll be going.  See, coming east, from NYC, the traffic at rush hour (3-7pm) is terrible.  But most people live east of where they work, so I'll be heading west, so the traffic won't be nearly as bad.

So, I'll post more about that, too, when I get everything set up. I'll be getting an ID card, e-mail address, and all that fun stuff.  And books.  And everything. OOooooh, I am excited :-D

Ya know, this has been probably the best week I've had in the past year.  Two pieces of good news, and no bad news or anything.  But that hasn't stopped me from having these weird dreams about Rocio and living in South Dakota, and things being much different. I guess my mind just won't let me be 100% happy.  I'm not down or anything, but those thought still creep into my mind, even if it is subconsciously.  Oh well.  I'm still doing well :-)

Okay, it's nearly bedtime.  Although I'll be working at 7:30 for a while when I start my new job, right now I'm still due in at 6 for the rest of the week!

-Anthony

Friday, November 10, 2006
Current Music: iTunes on Shuffle (at the moment it's Dido - Here With Me)
Current Mood:  weird

    Well, I had to call in sick today because I just was not feeling all that great.  I threw up a few times this morning.  I feel very blah right now, and I think I just needed a night of doing absolutely nothing.  I've been watching The Office, which makes me laugh, thankfully.  I can't help but feel kinda weird though.  Rocio checked herself back into the hospital.  I want her to be okay, I want her to stay there until she feels like she can handle things.  Here's the problem, I think she really wants me to visit her.  I can't do it.  I talked to her about it and she said not to worry about it, but I dunno, it just seems like she's not happy with me.  I can't do it.  It may be the most selfish thing I've ever done, but I just cannot bring myself to meet Rob, to see him at her side, or anything like that.  I worry about Rocio, yes, but I also have to worry about my own mental health.  I can't deal with certain things, and I am 33 days away from not having to ever have to see that.  So I'll have to do it this way, I guess.  It's just what I have to do.  And that's that.  That is my decision.

  Well, I guess I have only 4 weekends of work left  Here's how it all plays out, Targetwise:

Saturday 11/11 - 8-4:30
Sunday 11/12 - 10-6
Friday 11/17 - 5-11
Saturday 11/18 - 8-4:30
Sunday 11/19 - 8-4:30
Friday 11/24 - open shift, since it's black friday
Saturday 11/25 - mid-shift
Sunday 11/26 - unknown
Friday 12/1 - 5-11
Saturday 12/2 - 8-4:30
Sunday 12/3 - unknown

  That is it.  11 more shifts at this target.  Also, I have a meeting to go to on this coming thursday.  But other than that, I am done.  After 18 months at T-0076 it'll be back to T-1191, where I spent 11 months.  Very strange.  It is so strange to be going back, I swear.  Not just to Target, but in general.  Pete is pretty excited to have me back.  James is pumped.  Andrew seems excited too, especially since we'll (probably) be at the same school.  So I have friends waiting for me.  My Family is really super pumped.  So, I mean, I'm going home to much more than I have now. 

  Sitting in this room, watching television, or using the computer, or things like that, it is really interesting.  I mean, not only am I a loser, I am a very lonely loser.  So that's good. 

  Anyway, more later or tomorrow.  I can't do this much more.  I'm going to put the boxes I packed in my car so that I can go to the UPS store tomorrow, and then I'm going to straighten up my room a bit.  Then I'll probably just chill and watch some King of Queens or something.  I'm not complaining, though, believe it or not!

-Anthony

Early Morning, Thursday, November 2, 2006
Current Music - iTunes on Shuffle
Current Mood - I really don't know

   Well, it's definitely 3am.  I don't feel so bad because I woke up super late today.  Like 2pm.  So I've really only been up for 13 hours.  Usually when I've been up for 13 hours it's like 9pm.  So there you go.  I've been very down today.  I just don't know how I'm supposed to leave here and not feel like I'm giving something up. I know I have no chance with Rocio, but it just hurts so much sometimes, the way everything happened.  I feel like I was kinda pushed out of her life.  And that is just so hard when someone is so important to you for 4 years.

  Ya know, right now Stay of Leave is playing on iTunes, and I'm not shutting it.  I bought my plane ticket today.  It's for a day earlier than when I was going to leave.  So, December 13 at 12:45pm, I am out of here.  That is less than six weeks from now.  That is it.  It is almost over.  I looked back at when I left the first time.  It was scary.  I mean, it was one of the most scary times in my life.  I had my friends helping me through, thank God.  The decision that I made was to change my entire life.  I moved halfway across the country, I left my family and friends, and I took a risk.  What I got out of it was a really, really, really great year and 2 months of a great relationship.  I got a great friendship out of it, both with Rocio and Juan.  I got to meet some wonderful people.  I got to learn some stuff that will give me a heads up for the rest of my education, I have no doubt.  I don't consider this part of my life a failure by any means.  It's also only 6% of my life so far.  I mean 19 months out of the 294 months that I'll have been alive were spent here.  I can't really feel like 6% of my life messed everything up.  It was a learning experience.  If anything, it made me appreciate my family so much more, and I think they appreciate me a bit more too.  Let's do music. 

Music time!

(Now playing: 3rd Eye Blind - How's It Going to Be?)

  This song reminds me of 10th grade.  I bought this CD at the Wall in Quincy Market in Boston when I went to visit Michelle during Patriot Day weekend.  Yes, I remember that.  I really liked this CD.  This song was a single, I also owned the single.  Kinda depressing, actually.  I guess the lyrics kinda are how it's going with rocio and I.  The thing is, we're not doing badly at this point.  Things are going just fine between us.  I guess it's all inside of me.  I just feel so hurt sometimes, like I said.  And more than that, I feel so sad that I am alone again.  I really thought she was the one.  Ya know, THE one.  I miss her sometimes. 

(Now playing: Billy Joel - This Is The Time)

  iTunes is very interesting because it chose this song at random.  I just mentioned today to Alex that this song is what I hear playing in my head when I think about being back in New York. Maybe it's the line in it that says "This beach is so cold on winter afternoons".  I mean, I'll be there in the winter, There are beaches all over Long Island.  It reminds me of that wonderful night in January of 2000 when I went to the beach with Devin and Eric.  That night was one of the defining moments in my adolescence.  It was one of those things that I will remember always.  This song reminds me of that, definitively.  This is a good prom song type thing.  :-)  Good times.

(Now playing: Boyz II Men - Water Runs Dry)

  This song, I guess, could be what Rocio and I went through as well.  I mean, the only thing is that in the song, the couple sorta had a mutual feeling going on that the water was running dry.  In my case, I really thought everything was going well.  On a side note Boyz II Men decided to cancel a concert in Sioux Falls at the last minute.  Many believe that it was because of low ticket sales.  Kinda unfair to those Boyz II Men fans, if there are any around.  Personally, I thought they were broken up!

(Now playing: Dave Matthews Band - Digging a Ditch)

    Ya know, I used lyrics from this song in a post I made yesterday or the day before.  I like it a lot.  Reminds me of a much less stressful time.  Actually, maybe it was stressful, just in different ways. I was stressed about other things, that's all  I shouldn't be stressed at all, when you think about it.  I have only 4 classes a week.  I have a lot of time to get other things done.  I can relax and enjoy my last few weeks here.  I dunno, maybe it's just silly to feel stressed 

I dunno.  I'll post more soon.

-Anthony

Thursday, October 12, 2006 (officially, anyway)
Current Music: Dave Matthews Band - Crush (from BTCS, not live)
Current Mood:  I have a heavy heart tonight

     Hi.  I don't know how much I'm going ot be able to write about this, but I'll try.  A plane crashed into a 50 story highrise in Manhattan.  A small plane.  And when I saw the news, I knew it wasn't terrorism, so I didn't really follow the story.  Then I clicked over to espn.com to see if the Mets were going to be rained out (they were, by the way) and there it was:  Breaking News: Cory Lidle Dead in Plane Crash.  Cory Lidle was a Yankee pitcher this season.  He started his major league career with the Mets, though, in 1997.  I remember him.  I remember him being called up to the majors!  And he was flying, with a flight instructor, and died when he hit an apartment building.  They say it may have been a mechanical error.  The thing is, it hit me really hard.  I don't know why.  It is just so shocking.  You feel like you know these guys.  I know that I have no connection to baseball players personally, but I still feel like I knew him.  Then I read that his wife and child were flyig form New York to Los Angeles when this happened, so they didn't even know when it happend.  When the whole world knew, they didn't.  That is so terrible.  It just has brought me down.  I dunno, I'll be okay.  I just wanted to type it out. 

  As for the Mets, I think they'll be okay.  Everyone is saying that this rainout shifts momentum because Carpenter can pitch game 2 instead of 3, and Glavine will have to come back on short rest in game 5.  The way I see it is this:  All season they've dealt with stuff happening, this is just another setback, and they tend to take care of them pretty well.  It'll be a good series :-)  Game 1 of the NLCS, Thursday night, 7:19 CST.  I'll be ready for it!

   How about some music to take our minds off of this tough stuff:

(Now playing: Alanis Morissette - Head Over Feet)
  
    I enjoyed this album a lot when I was in 8th grade.  That's when I got it.  I know, most people would say that Alanis is chick music, but since when do I go by those rules?  The point is, it's good music.  This song, especially, is a nice song for anyone who is in love, especially just falling in love. 

   That's one thing that I am looking forward to, ya know?  When you first start a relationship, when you meet someone who you can't stop thinking about, someone who makes you smile just by thinking about them.  That feeling, at least I know that I'll be feeling that again, at some point.  Until then, well, hey, at least I have something to look forward to :-)

(Now playing: Sublime - What I Got)

  I'm not a pothead.  I have never even smoked.  I do love me some Sublime, though.  I love this song.  Good lyrics, good stuff. "Take a small example, take a tip from me.  Take all your money, give it up to charity . . . I don't cry when my dog runs away, I don't get angry at the bills I've gotta pay . . . I don't get angry when my mom smokes pot, hits the bottle, goes back to the rock"

  Hahah.  Oh Sublime.

(Now playing:Johnny Cash and Joe Strummer - Redemption Song)

   I have three versions of Redemption Song on my computer.  I have the Bob Marley version (amazing), Dave Matthews covering it (the first version I've ever heard), and this version.  Now, understand, this song, I believe, is about black people trying to free themselves from the slavery that they still feel that they are in in society.  And yet, I have Dave, who is South African, but I mean, not really black, and Johnny Cash and Joe Strummer . .. two old white guys, singing the song.  I like all the versions, too.  That's what's funny about it. 

   Good song, though.  Remember that. 

(Now playing: Dave Matthews (solo) - Trouble)

    Ya know, when this album first came out, I couldn't listen to it.  By this album, I mean Dave's solo album, Some Devil.  The songs just depressed me.  It has a very certain feel to it.  Kinda minor chord type music.  Feels like autumn, that kinda music.  I dunno.  I still find it hard to listen to it, ya know?  I think it came out in September, 2003.  That is three years ago, amazingly.  I actually popped this out and listened to it on my way to the first time I really hung out with my Target friends, Chris Brady's going away party at Chili's.  Yeah, I was driving around beforehand, I was going to drive Chrissy there, and I had this playing.  And I was just driving by myself at night, listening to this, and thinking about how I'd be moving soon, and just soaking in that feeling. 

  This has nothing to do with the song, really.  But it's close enough :-)

(Now playing: Dion - Abraham, Martin, and John)

   Ya know, I remember the first time I heard this song.  It was in eight grade, in my religion class.  We were talking about great leaders (I guess Jesus was included), and my teacher asked us about this song.  Played it for us and everything. I was the only person who know who the four people were, Abraham Lincoln, Martin Luthor King Jr, John and Bobby Kennedy.  I loved this song since then. 
 
   I remember whenever I'd try to play it on the iPod in the car with Rocio, she'd make me shut it. 

Heh. 

Oh man.

(now playing: The Fray - How To Save a Life)

  Well, the Fray is one of those bands that I don't know why I listen to them.  They depress me badly.  This song, I mean, ugh.  Even if there were no lyrics, if it was all gibberish, it would still sound depressing  But then you actually listen to the lyrics, and . . .gah.  Plus, I think they used this at the end of an episode of Scrubs.  And that always gets me down. 

  Have I lost a friend?

Eh, I'm done.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006 (officially, although I still feel like it's Tuesday because I haven't slept yet)
Current Music: Dave Matthews Band - Two Step (album version)
Current Mood:  kinda tired

   Soooooooooo, here it is, late Tuesday.  It's not too late, less than an hour after midnight on Wednesday, so I'm stil considering it pretty much Tuesday.  I know, doesn't really matter to many, but I like to make sure that my Vox book keeping is solid. 

  So, here I am, posting as I lay in bed, relaxed and feeling good.  Had a test tonight, did pretty well, I think.  Have a few classes tomorrow, but I got my homework done for them already, so I feel good about that, too.  Tomorrow night is Game 1 of the National League Championship Series (NLCS), Mets vs. Cardinals.  Should be a very interesting series. I have faith in the Mets, but I also am not going as far as to say they'll win or lose.  Anything can happen in this series.  We'll see.  At least it'll be good baseball. 

   I feel good.  I don't know if that matters, but I do feel good right now.  My shoulder is itchy, but I don't think there's any real reason for that.  As far as I know, things in my life are going okay.  I am on a downswing of my emotional biorhythm, according to Google, but I don't feel that.  I feel very strong at this point, and I feel like I am doing great emotionally.  So I'll just enjoy myself, and I hope that things go okay this week and weekend.  I think they well.

  I guess I really don't have much to post about today.  I am kinda boring, since nothing has happened today.  Just counseling, which went very well, and a test. 

  Well, how about some music, since Two Step just ended:

(Now playing: Buddy Holly - It Don't Matter Anymore)

   This song is uploaded to my Vox, and I posted about it once.  It is so sad that this song is pretty much how I am going to feel about Rocio.  It's just about how I did everything I could, I'm done trying, I cried and wasted my tears over the breakup, and that's it.  I'll find someone new, and she won't be so important to me anymore.  And it's not a malicious song or anything.  It's not mean.  It's just pretty much saying, I'm done being sad, and I'm moving on.  So yeah.  I like Buddy Holly, so this song works well for me. :-)

(Now playing: Barenaked Ladies - Brian Wilson)

   I liked this song before I really got into the Beach Boys, so I didn't really understand the references (sandbox in the living room, Dr. Landy, Smiley Smile, Fun Fun Fun).  But I do like the song for other reasons.  It is catchy, and it reminds me of such a simpler time.  I mean, doens't everything?!  But really, it's a great song.  Reminds me of Adam Gold, actually.  I don't think that Adam even liked BNL, and I'm really not sure why this song reminds me of him.  Adam Gold was a friend of mine from 11th and 12th grades.  Very good guy, big dmb fan, too :-)  Hmm.  I need to figure out why this song reminds me of him.  Maybe that'll come to me eventually.

(now playing: Dave Matthews Band - Song That Jane Likes)

   This song will always remind me of July 4, 2001.  On that day I went into the city with my whole family.  We had dinner at Carmines and we got stuck in traffic since we were diverted on the way home because of the Macy's Fireworks.  Anyway, I remember looking out the window at the city, listening to this song, and feeling 100% content.  I love this song.  The lyrics are pretty much nonsense, but the happiness of the song cannot be any better to me.  I remember Rocio knew I loved this song, too, and she'd sing it to me.  This was back around December, 2002.  She was hoping they'd play it at the concert I went to on 12.21.02, but they didn't.  Still, she was so awesome at the beginning of our relationship.  I could just tell that she loved me so much. 

 I have no regrets, by the way.

My favorite line from this song:
 And we'll be back round again
Yes I'll walk in time with you old friend
And we'll find that place
That we had danced in so long ago . . .

(now playing: Shakira - Underneath Your Clothes)

  Okay, now this song reminds me of the Summer of 2002.  I would be standing at Dunkin Donuts after we closed, cleaning up, and this song would come on the radio, and I just would feel so, so, so alone.  I dunno.  I wanted someone to love me so badly.  I wanted someone to feel something for me. 

  Rocio came soon after :-)

  It's strange to have that feeling again, ya know?  I never thought that I'd feel unloved again. I never thought I'd have to worry about being alone, and dying alone.  I know, I'm young.  I understand that.  I'm just saying, I wasn't expecting this at all. 

Okay, sorry Shakira.  Next:

(Now playing: Dave Matthews (solo) - Stay or Leave

   Okay.  Wow.  This song takes on a whole new meaning after a break up.  I had better post the lyrics first:

Maybe different but remember
Winters warm where you and i
Kissing whiskey by the fire
With the snow outside
And when the summer comes
In the river
Swims at midnight
Shiver cold
Touch the bottom
You and I
With muddy toes

Stay or leave
I want you not to go
But you should
It was good as good goes
Stay or leave
I want you not to go
But you did

Wake up naked drinking coffee
Making plans to change the world
While the world is changing us
It was good good love
You used to laugh under the covers
Maybe not so often now
But the way I used to laugh with you
Was loud and hard

Stay or leave
I want you not to go
But you should
It was good as good goes
Stay or leave
I want you not to go
But you did

So what to do
With the rest of the day's afternoon hey
Isn't it strange how we change
Everything we did
Did I do all that i should

That I coulda done

Remember we used to dance
And everyone wanted to be
You and me
I want to be too
What day is this
Besides the day you left me
What day is this
Besides the day you went

So what to do
With the rest of the day's afternoon hey
Well isn't it strange how we change
Everything we did
Did I do all that I could

Remember we used to dance
And everyone wanted to be you and me
I want to be too
What day is this
Besides the day you went babe
What day is this

    -----------------------------

  I mean, look at the parts I bolded, in particular.  We used to laugh, not so often now.  I mean, that's exactly what started happening.  Rocio just was not into it anymore.  I did everything that I could.  I tried so hard to make her happy.  She just didn't feel it anymore, ya know?  And the chorus, "I want you not to go, but you should".  It's like, I know that it's the right thing, but it still was the hardest thing to deal with, ya know?  And then the line about "What to do with the rest of the day's afternoon" . .. I mean, it's more like, what should I do with the rest of my life?  I had everything set.  I had found love, I had found my future.  It just didn't happen in the long run.  So it's sorta back to the start. 

 Did I do all that I could?

-Anthony

Wednesday, September 27, 2006
Current Music: Seinfeld
Current Mood: Down, but traces of up

  Back to my blogging style, trying to get back into my life.  I have had a positive day.  I went down to the Missouri River today, just thought I'd get back to nature for a bit.  I needed to get away.  I got a call from Rocio on my way back from the River, feeling really good.  Rocio and I had a very, very good conversation.  She told me that she's talk to me tomorrow, and that she appreciates that I left some dmb cds for her.  She said that we'll work things out, and she understood totally when I told her that if I do work, then I'll drive right back here afterwards.  She said she'd try to call me tonight, but if not we'll talk tomorrow.  I told her that's fine, and that I won't expect a call tonight, and I'll call her tomorrow or she can call me.  I played it cool. 

  Before, I started freaking out about if I don't see her this weekend.  I started thinking about how if I don't, then if I do see her next weekend, it'll be three weeks since I saw her.  That is a long, long time.  Then I put it into perspective by thinking about how I used to go three to four months without seeing her.  So that's a big difference, right?  Yeah! 

   But I have been having anxious moments.  I have been dealing with a lot, which is why I went to counseling today.  I had gotten to the edge.  I wasn't going to do anything to myself or anything, but I don't know how my body was going to react if I didn't talk to someone. 

  I think about how everyone is visiting her at this very moment, but not me.  And I'm okay with that.  And she's okay with it, which is more important.  The counselor asked me why I was upset about not going, and I said "She may think that I don't care about her".  She questioned that, and then I realized that that isn't possible.  Rocio knows how much I care, and she understands.  She has been great.  I know I said this last post, but I am so glad to know that I am her best friend.  It makes me feel so good! :-) 

  Okay, that's that.  I'm so weird. 

How about some music, eh?  It's been a while.

(Now Playing: David Gray - Nightblindness)

  David Gray, as I've mentioned before, reminds me of January, 2001.  His voice is great, I really love it.  White Ladder is the only David Gray album that I've ever heard.  It depresses me.  Not just because of the memories it brings up.  It is just a depressing sounding album.  I don't know if it's his voice, or the music itself, but there's something that, it doesnt matter what the lyrics are, the music makes me . . . I dunno.  It doesn't make me feel sad.  It doesn't depress me. It just is kinda, eh.  It's hard to explain.  I'm not sad because of David Gray.  But I feel sad for 3 minutes or so.  Then, BAM, it's gone :-)

Yes, I said BAM.

(Now playing: Sublime - Santaria)

   I LOVE this song.  I like Sublime. This song makes me feel happy :-)  It's like the total opposite of what David Gray does.  Just upbeat.  This song reminds me of Steve Manley.  I've mentioned him once before, but not much.  Steve lived down the street from me when I lived in New York.  He also started working at Baskin Robbins.  Being a year younger than I was, he was in my high school when I was a senior.  He and I became friendly.  He was a great, great guy.  Just top-notch.  I never knew for sure, but I'm pretty positive that Steve loved the marijuana.  Not just from his music choices (Sublime being his favorite), but just from him being himself.  Good kid, though.  I'm not saying there's anything wrong with it. I'm just saying, he loved the pot.  I remember that on my video yearbook, he knew my mom and dad would watch it with me, and so he was like "Hey Anthony, I am so glad we're friends.  You love pot.  Pot pot pot."  And he started dancing and singing about pot.  Good times, Steve :-)

(Now playing - Dave Matthews Band- Rhyme & Reason)

   This song, when you listen to it, is about a man who is at his darkest point, needing to kill his pain with more and more heroin, and it is just dark, deep, and amazing.  I've never felt as low as the person in the song.  But, when I saw this live at Madison Square Garden, I believe it was the 5.29.02 show, I had this amazing moment.  I was so into the music, I was just tuned in.  And I was watching the screen, and seeing Dave's facial expressions, watching him sing this song.  "I've had enough of being alone, and I've got no place to go.  My head won't leave my head alone, and I don't believe will till I'm SIX FEET UNDERGROUND IN MY GRAVE"  And then, at the end, there's this part when it's just him and Carter playing the a drumroll on the symbols, and Dave sings "My head leaves me behind, my body falls cold . . . I . . . see . . . heaven" The way he sings that "I see heaven" part, with the cymbal behind him, and dead silence in the place, just so deep into it.  I got chills.  I get chills just thinking about it. 

  And THAT is why I love music.  The fact that it can do that to you.  Amazing.

(Now playing: Weezer - Butterfly)

  This song depresses the hell out of me.  :-)  If you've never heard it, find it, listen to it, and you'll know what I mean.  "Everytime I pin down what I think I want, it slips away".  Ugh. 

NEXT!

(Now playing - Guster - Fa Fa)

   Oh man, another band that Dan Cherney got me into.  This is a band that when Rocio found out that I like them, she loved me even more :-)  This song, this album, reminds me of about 11th grade.  I was getting into Dave Matthews Band big time at that point, but it wasn't the total music experience like it was in 12th grade and my first two or three years of college.  I actually listened to other music like Barenaked Ladies and Guster and Granian. 

  I'd put them in the category of music that makes me happy.  There are some bands that their music just makes me smile. 

 Hmmm.

I miss Rocio.

sorry

(now playing:  Paul Simon - Still Crazy After All These Years)

  Okay.  I love this song.  I love Paul Simon.  But do you want to know what this song reminds me of?  When I was a kid, maybe 8 years old, I used to watch WSBK, which was a superstation at the time, like TBS or WGN.  The thing is, it was a Boston Station.  I would watch Punky Brewster and Cheers on it.  And there was this commercial for M*A*S*H.  And this song was to this tune, and it was like "Mash is crazy after all these years . ..  "

  Memories are so fun :-)

(Now playing - America - Horse With No Name)

  Neil Young is amazing.  His music is so great.  This song is fun.  I used to talk to my friend Jon-Paul all the time.  I mean ALL the time.  Every day.  He was my Andrew of 11th and 12th grades.  Actually, he got me from 10th grade through my freshman year of college.  That was a rough time for me.  But he used to say how this song is fun because it makes no sense.

"In the desert, you can't remember your name
Cause there ain't no one for to give you no pain."

  No sense whatsover.  but still a great song :-)

  I'm going to stop there for now.  More later.  Maybe I'll post the QOTD, it seems like a great one.

Monday, September 25, 2006
Current Music: shuffle on the old iTunes
Current Mood: grouchy

   There is an ad on the side about bipolar disorder.  I am not bipolar, but the lady in the ad looks so depressed, and it's exactly how I feel, often.  I am grouchy, as my mood shows, and I don't want to be!  I let things bother me too easily.  I am just so sick and tired of feeling like this!  I don't know, it just bugs me that I am so down all the time.

   Rocio called me today.  I was in class, so I silenced it, but was very excited to listen to the message after class!  Turns out she just called to tell me that I owed late fees at Hollywood Video, and now I owe them to her because she paid for them.  There was not even a "hey, how ya doing?"  I was really disappointed, and I left her a message that sorta conveyed that e-motion.  She e-mailed me apologizing, and I e-mailed her telling her why I was disappointed.  Later, I e-mailed her about my internship meeting, as I told her I would.  She read both, but didn't respond, which makes me kinda sad because she said she'd try to respond.  :-(  I know she's with Rob for a few more days, but seriously, I don't have to be pushed aside.  It's not like I'm e-mailing and calling her every day.  i e-mailed her on saturday to see if she got back from Minneapolis okay, she responded.  And then today.  That is it!  gosh.  I can't wait until Wednesday when I can actually call her without worrying about it. 

 I'm listening to Weezer, thanks to iTunes.  I haven't listened to Weezer in a long, long time.  I never really listened to them until I started talking to Rocio.  She got me into them. 

  Well, the internship meeting went well.  Just met with Mr. Fader for about fifteen minutes.  I'm going to be teaching my lessons on the Constitution, when the time comes!   It'll be after Thanksgiving.  I am very excited about that, since I have a good knowledge of the Constitution.  I'm going to be going on Tuesdays. That'll make Tuesdays my busiest day, by far.  But I'm okay with that. 

   This weekend may be okay, it may suck.  I don't know where I'm working on Sunday, but I do know that I am working as a cashier on Saturday.  I am not looking forward to it, per se, but it'll be okay.  It'll go fast, at least.  I know that. 

  Not much going on other than that.  After today, it's 4 full days of no calls.  I can't believe it myself! 

Music time.

(Now Playing: Eagle Eye Cherry - Save Tonight)

  I really liked this song when I was in eleventh grade!  I remember when I used to watch VH1 before going to school, they showed good videos to get you set for the day.  They showed this every now and then.  I remember the day that I bought the Now! compilation, the first one ever, I was going to buy the Eagle Eye Cherry CD.  Then I decided to wait.  I even discussed it with my friend Dan on AIM.  And I have proof.  From an AIM conversation from 1/7/99

dmb62982 (9:21:42 PM): I bought the NOW
compilation CD
Viberooni (9:21:49 PM): ah yes
Viberooni (9:21:54 PM): for what song again?
dmb62982 (9:22:16 PM): sex and candy . . . but it's
got the way too
dmb62982 (9:22:30 PM): and all my life . . . that
damn depressing song
Viberooni (9:22:48 PM): i like the new song by
fastball
dmb62982 (9:23:22 PM): yeah, it's pretty good . . .
I'm thinking of buying the eagle eye cherry cd
Viberooni (9:23:48 PM): what do they do again
dmb62982 (9:23:59 PM): save tonight
Viberooni (9:24:07 PM): ah yes
Viberooni (9:24:12 PM): then go for it my good
man

  Yes, almost eight years ago.  Thanks to the power of Google Desktop Search and me saving my AIM conversations, I was able to track that bad boy down.  Dan was the best.  He got me into Dave Matthews Band.  All around great guy. I should talk to him, haven't in about two or three years. 

   Anyway, I never bought the Eagle Eye Cherry CD.  I don't know why, I just never got around to it, I guess.  I don't regret it though, don't worry :-)

(Now Playing - Dave Matthews Band - Recently (live version from 9/28/94)

   I love the song Recently.  I always have.  I like the whole idea of it, falliing in love with someone, not caring who says what about it.  At the beginning, Dave likes to do his Some do, some don't thing as an intro.  He sings about how some people like to drink, some don't, some people like to smoke a bowl, some don't.  I remember that Rocio once told me that she loved the song because of that reference to pot. 
 
   I'm not a pot smoker, myself.  I don't like it, never have even tried it.  I know that people say that if I never tried it, then I can't not like it.  Well, I just wouldn't do it because of the legality of it.  I know that sounds dumb because I've broken the law other ways, like by speeding.  But, I don't speed anymore, believe it or not!  I actually stay at the speed limit.  But yeah, I used to get so upset at the thought of Rocio smoking.  It would make my stomach turn and it would hurt me. 

  The amazing thing is that Rocio decided one day, before ever even talking to me about it, that she would stop beacuse she knew that I didn't like it!  She knew from my posts on message boards and stuff, that I didn't like it, and she didn't want to do something that I didn't like.  I felt so proud of her.  She even promised.  Then one day, about a year and a half after this promise, she decided that she didn't like the idea of not smoking just for me.  I should have started to realize then that if she wasn't even willing to do something for me that she said that she did out of love, that we had problems.  I looked past it, because I thought that she was just trying to feel in control of herself.  I understand that.  I had/have a don't ask, don't tell type of policy with pot.  If I don't know, then it can't bother me.  And if I'm stupid enough to ask, then I get what I deserve if the answer is that she did use it.  Ya know? 

  Doesn't matter anymore though. 

   I saved this postcard, however, from post secret, because sometimes it's how I feel:

Weed

    I don't know that I'll ever get high, and I woldn't regret it if I never did. 

  Andrew said that in love, you shouldn't have to overlook things.  Like I overlooked the pot thing.  He said there should be nothing that you want to change about the other person.  I don't know that I can agree with that, however.  It's all about compromise, isn't it?  I don't know.

I'm going to skip to the next song, because this is a long song :-)

(Now playing: Johnny Cash - Flesh and Blood)

  Flesh and blood needs flesh and blood, and you're the one I need.  'Nuff said.

(Now playing - Simon and Garfunkel - The Boxer)

  I love this song. I remember after September 11th, 2001, Paul Simon opened the first SNL after it happened by singing this song.  It has a great line in it:

  "Asking only workman's wages, I come looking for a job
But I get no offers
Just a come-on from the whore's on 7th Avenue
I do declare there were times that I was so lonesome
That i took some comfort there, la la la"

  I don't know why that line gets me.  It just does. 
 
   I miss New York.  I miss being able to go the city.  I don't know what I'll do, however, the first time I go to the city again.  I mean, every time I've gone for the past four years had been with Rocio.  We did so much in New York City.  We have so many memories.  The kinds of memories that will REALLY hurt when I go back.  I've lost so much. 

(Now Playing - Chumbawamba - Tubthumper)

  Okay.  I've never written about this girl, Christina.  Christina was the first girl to break my heart.  Ooh, I might have written about her, actually.  She strung me along for my entire tenth grade year, knowing that I had feelings for her.  We talked for hours a night, I was her best friend, and she treated me as you would a boyfirend, minus the physical stuff.  But when I asked her out, she said no.  Then she still hung all over me and made me feel like I had a chance.

  Anyway, she had a birthday party in tenth grade.  I didn't want to go.  Oh, yeah, I asked her out on her birthday.  The party was two days later.  So I was actually in a very down mood.  But I went.  And this song was playing when I got there.  And Devin was like "Anthony, it's your song!" Which I still don't get.  But yeah.  That's a memory from this song.  Funny thing is, it's not like that memory makes me hate or not listen to this song.  Just comes up.  I'm not nearly as hurt anymore about that stuff.  I guess time does heal old wounds.

(Now playing:  Spin Doctors - Two Princes)

  This song will always remind me of Michelle Nelson.  Rocio, Juan, Michelle, and I were hanging out one night, I think Rocio and I were not yet broken up.  Michelle wanted to rent movies, and I agreed to go along with her.  We drove to Hollywood video, had a great time picking out movies, and then on the way home, this song came on the radio!  We sang along, at least to the parts we knew.  We had a great time!  Michelle is a good friend.  I don't talk to her often enough, although I did talk to her a few days ago.  So that's good.  She is so supportive of me, and she makes me feel like I'm capable of doing things like make friends and stuff.  And that's always good to have, although I have plenty of people who make me feel that way, like Andrew.  Even Rocio.  They all are so supportive.  It's nice!

Anyway, that's going to be it for now.  My mind is a mess.

At least I'm ending it on a happy note!

-Anthony

Sunday, September 24, 2006
Current Music: Silence
Current Mood: blank

    I'm not upset today.  Not yet, anyway.  I am actually feeling okay.  I was in the library for six hours today, finishing up my SD History test.  Over the two days, I worked for 10 hours on this bad boy.  18 pages, single spaced, answering question after question from the text book.  I learned that I need to take this over time, and not do it all at once for the next three tests.  :-)  So, see, I learned!  Plus, I learned a lot about SD History.  It's good to know, ya know, since I live here for now. 

   The busy time helped me not get down about Rocio.  I was able to sit here and not think about her and what her and Rob are doing, and things like that.  It is still hard, of course, but I'm trying not to let it get me down.  Just two more full days.  Then it'll be okay.  Then it'll be okay.  I tell myself that.  I try to believe it.  I do believe it.

  I like living in Vermillion, but sometimes I wish that it was a tad bigger.  I don't need it to be like New York or anything, but even as big as Sioux Falls, or even Yankton!  There are only three movies playing here, and I want to see the Last Kiss, and it's not playing.  I can't afford the gas to drive out to Sioux City or Sioux Falls to see it.  So I'm just stuck waiting till I don't know when to see it.  I hear that it's good :-)

   So, tomorrow is going to be a good day, I think,.  SD History at 11, hand in my test.  American Ed at noon, easy class.  Come back at 1, get ready to go, and at 2:15 I meet my teacher for my internship for the first time.  Mr. Fader.  Seems like a nice guy.  We sit, talk, set up a plan of when I'll be there, what I'm going to be doing, etc.  No students tomorrow or anything.  I'm going to tell him that I have to start the week after this one, that way I can sorta relax for this week, get over some stuff, and psych myself up for this gig!  It's only 45 hours.  Five hours a day would get that done in 9 times.  Plus, about 5 hours of that is done on extracurricular stuff.  So it's really on 40 hours.  Not counting tomorrow, which will be at least an hour.  So yeah.  I can do this easy!  I know I can.  No worries.  No worries at all. Hehe.

    I like to reassure myself of things.  I've been doing well on Weight Watvhers so far.  By that I mean that I've been making much better decisions.  I did the math, and instead of getting a King Sized chicken sandwich value meal at burger king, with a coke, I got a grilled chicken sandwich and a diet coke.  Every food has a points value.  So I had 9 points ( I get 33 in a day) instead of 41 points.  Hmm.  And that's just one meal, I probably would have gone out again tonight and gotten something else somewhere else :-/  Ugh.  So I feel that Thursday's weigh-in should go swimmingly.  :-)  I hope so, anyway.

     I dunno, things are looking up, in my opinion.  We'll see how I feel later. 

 No music right now, just not up to it.

-Anthony

Saturday, September 23, 2006
Current Music: none
Current Mood: downright depressed

   Well, today is the day the Rocio gets back to Sioux Falls with Rob.  She's having dinner with a few friends to celebrate his birthday which was a few weeks ago.  It kills me.  It really hurts.  Yes, I still have feelings for her, that's true.  But it hurts more that it was so quick.  There was no time for me to even deal with the fact that we broke up, a week later she's talking to Rob nonstop.  And the thing is, she tells me that it wasn't connected.  We broke up and she fell for him after that.  And I want to believe her.  But it is so hard to.  And even if that it the case, he knew what he was doing on his side.  Less than a week later, he's saying he loves her.  He helped talk her through her decision to break up with me.  It kills me.  I don't blame Rocio.  I can't help but blame Rob a bit.  I know that Rocio was thinking about breaking up with me, so it's not like he told her to.  But still.  I don't know.  Maybe I'm just being paranoid.  That is a good possibility.

   I had been keeping myself occupied.  Last night I watched Mr. 3000, which I TiVo'd last week.  I like that movie.  Today I actually slept in!  I never sleep in, so that was a good feeling.  I went to the library at 1:15.  By the time I started working it was 1:30  I got 3 chapters done by 4:30, and then left since the library closes at 5 on Saturdays.  So it's about an hour a chapter.  I have 8 chapters to do for my test.  So I have five hours of work left.  I was about to start on Chapter 4, but I felt like I needed to blog first.  I needed to get this out.  I am going to do at least one more chapter, so that I'm half done.  Then I'll see if I want to do anymore or just wait until tomorrow.  I was going to go down to Sioux City or Omaha tomorrow, but I don't have a lot of extra money, so I can't really spend it on gas and food and whatever else I'd do in Sioux City or Omaha.  So I'm going to explore Vermillion a bit.  Or maybe Yankton. I want to see the river.  The mighty Mo.  The Big Muddy.  We'll see how the homework comes along, because I am not doing anything until I finish my test.  Five hours of work to go.  Hehe. 

     I had Subway today, which was very good and very on plan when it comes to Weight Watchers.  I really want to prove something to myself with this.  So we'll see how the weigh-in on Thursday goes. 

    Today is the second full day that I'm not talking to Rocio.  Really, it'll be 48 hours as of 8pm tonight.  But I'm counting full days.  I won't be talking to her Yesterday, Today, tomorrow, Monday, and Tuesday.  Most of Wednesday, as well, although I'm going to call her to see how she's doing on Wednesday night.  I know how hard it is to have someone leave from a trip like that.  Especially the first trip, that's the hardest.  So I'll be there for her and at least see how she's doing.  So yeah, that means that after today I'll be 2/5 of the way though my self-imposed embargo!  And when the weekend is done, I'll be 60% through.  Monday and Tuesday will go fast, since I have lots to do and internship stuff to boot!  And then it's Wednesday and things can get partially back to normal.  She knows that I don't want to hear a single thing about the trip, hehe. 

Okay, music time. 

(Now Playing: Hanson - mmm'bop)

  Now this song is very interesting.  I am not too embarassed to have it in my collection, really.  It is so, so, so upbeat!  I liked this song when it first came out.  I was in the right age group, I think.  Maybe I was a bit too old to like it, but then I never really follow the crowds.  This is the kind of song that I should listen to more often, because it still makes me smile, and that is a hard thing to do right now.  I am at one of the lowest points in my life, and this has been one of the most depressing days of my life, and yet I'm smiling.  That is the power of music! 
 
  It's funny, since 1998, I really only listened to Dave Matthews Band, Simon and Garfunkel, The Beatles, and the Doors.  I mean, that's really it.  But recently I've been branching out (and backwards, sometimes, thanks to my Top 250 hits of the 90s playlist!).  And it's fun to listen to songs that I listened to back in the 90s, back when I was growing up.  The memory is an amazing thing because it can bring back smells, feelings, sounds, tastes.  Lots of things :-)

(Now Playing: Ben Folds - Brick)

   Now this song brings back one memory in particular.  I was in the car driving to Walmart around Christmastime in my senior year of high school.  This song came on the radio.  It was around 5:00 in the evening, and it was that grey time before it got really dark.  The snow was so depressing, the greyness was just how I felt.  And this was the holiday season!  I don't know exactly why I felt that way, but this song made it worse.  It's just such a depressing song. 

I'm going to skip to the next song.  :-)

(Now Playing: Scott Weiland - Lady, Your Roof Brings Me Down)

   This song is from the Great Expectations soundtrack.  That movie, with Gwenyth Paltrow and Ethan Hawke, was one of my favorite movies in 11th and 12th grades.  It is SO SO SO very depressing for someone who is lonely.  Hehe.  But I loved it for that depressing factor.  You know how sometimes when you're depressed or down, you listen to music or watch things that make you feel that way even more?  That's how I was.  That's not how I am during this bout of depression.  I want to be happy.  I hate feeling this way. 

  This song and soundtrack and movie also remind me of Nicole Musco.  I worked with Nicole for a few years and she became a friend of mine.  She was friends with Steve Manley, who was the greatest guy.  Mike Silvering dated Nicole for about six months.  At that time, I had a crush on her :-)  And she knew it.  I wasn't going to act on it or anything, especially since she was dating my best friend!  Hehe.  Weird, I never really talk or write about that.  But why not?  I mean, what does it matter? 

  I realize that anyone reading this blog has no clue who any of these people are, since all of my high school friends are gone, pretty much.

(Now playing: Hootie and the Blowfish - Let Her Cry)

  This song reminds me of my brother, Frank.  Let's see, Frank was 23 when Cracked Rear View came out.  He used to love it.  I did too.  But looking at it, I can see how a 23 year old would love Hootie!  When I was about 15 I had part of this song play when I started up my computer.  I don't know why.  I was on a bit of a Hootie kick.  Hehe. 

  Man, this is depressing too.  NEXT!

(Now Playing: Dave Matthews Band - I'll Back You Up)

  Okay.  Now I should have skipped right past this song.  This is the ultimate love song/depressing song for lonely fools like me.  Still has one of my favorite quotes from anyone: "And I know, we've danced in the risk of each other.  Would you like to dance around the world with me?"  I used to listen to this song in high school and wish I had someone to sing it to.  I used to think of Rocio when I'd listen to it, and I'd feel good.  And now, full circle, here we are again.  Of course, this is also the version that Rocio sent me that first summer we fell in love.  Ugh.

Lyrics to I'll back You Up:

(Now Playing: Degrassi Junior High theme song)

   I know that there is this new Degrassi on now on Noggin.  But the classic Degrassi was amazing.  We watched it in my home and careers class in 7th grade, it warned us of what we would experience in junior high. :-)  Great show!  I miss it.

(Now Playing: Billy Joel - You're Only Human (Second Wind) )

  This song is great.  I used to love it in 11th grade.  This song actually has a few great lyrics for my situation. For example:

It's not always easy to be living in this world of pain
You're gonna be crashing into stone walls again and again
It's alright, it's alright, though you feel your heart break
You're only human, you're gonna have to deal with heartache

  It's so true!  I mean, that's a great way to think. Plus, this song is so upbeat to listen to :-)

  I'm going to stop here for now.  More soon.  I promise

-Anthony