5 posts tagged “memories”

    So, I just watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.  I've seen it a few times, but it's been a long time since I have seen it.  It's a really interesting movie, and if you haven't seen it, I'd recommend it.  I won't give anything away other than the fact that it centers around this fictional idea of being able to erase someone completely from your memory.  It kinda makes you wonder if it'd be worth it.  Figuring that it'd be irreversible, I don't know that I'd be willing to lose every memory of Rocio away, even though it'd be great to get rid nearly all of my memories of her since July 11, 2006.  But I'd imagine that some day I'll be able to look back on the good memories without getting this sharp pain in my chest and getting my eyes all teary.  I hope that goes away.  It sucks.

   In the same vein, how about a song that is unbelievably perfect for how I'm feeling right now:

Bob Dylan - Most Of The Time

Bob Dylan

Time for a song tour.  For those unfamiliar, I used to do this a lot back when I was in the dorm.  I listen to music and write what comes to mind.  It's a good experience.

(Now playing: Simon and Garfunkel - The Only Living Boy in New York)

  This song reminds me of Garden State.  It was playing at a very emotional and pivitol part of the movie.  It's been stuck in my head for days now, so I needed to start with it.  I looked it up, it's about Paul's feelings about Art Garfunkel (who he used to call Tom when they were known as Tom and Jerry) missing a lot of songwriting time while filming a movie in Mexico.  So that's very interesting.  I have liked Simon and Garfunkel for years.  I used to listen to my mom and dad's records of Bridge over Troubled Water (which this song is on) and the Graduate soundtrack.  There's something about Paul's voice, the way they play guitar, the way they sound.  I feel good when I listen to Simon and Garfunkel.  I love that Garfunkel is in Firefox's built in spell checker :)

Good song, good song.

I listen to dmb a lot, but I make sure to listen to other music for two reasons.  First, I don't want to get burnt out on dmb.  It's happened a few times in my nearly ten years of liking the band.  The other reason is so that I don't forget that there's other music out there, ya know?

(Now playing: Dave Matthews Band - The Idea of You)

  This is quickly becoming one of my favorite dmb songs.  The lyrics change often, but the story is the same.  It's sang by an older man, singing about his time as a younger child.  And he's singing about when he was a kid, and having, like, a crush on this little girl.  And it's just so sweet.  And then the chorus is amazing:

I fall so hard inside the idea of you
That's why with you I can't say what I mean
Wanna stay but I think I'm getting out of here
I fall so hard inside the idea of you

   It reminds me of being a young man, in high school or so.  And it reminds me of what it feels like when you feel these feelings.  Your body has no clue how to deal with these feelings.  And you just  . . . you can't function correctly. 

   It happened to me a few times through my high school years.  I'm glad to be out of those "adolescent" years.  Having just completed a human development class, I learned a lot about the development of adolescents and whatnot.  And I'll tell you, it's tough being a kid.  You feel it when you're younger, but as you get older you realize just how hard it was.  And it helps to keep that in mind when I become a teacher.

(Now playing: Michael Buble - How Can You Mend a Broken Heart)

  This song brings back a lot of memories.  First of all, my mom loves, loves, loves the Bee-Gees.  So this song was played a lot as I was growing up.  Also, Rocio and I listened to a lot of Michael Buble between my sister's wedding (May 28, 2006) and the breakup (July 11, 2006).  We were trying to decide on songs for our own wedding and Buble is pretty awesome.

So, in Dating for Dummies, which I bought in January, a mere six months after the breakup, the author said that you should wait a year before dating if coming out of a relationship like I was if you were broken up with (as in not the break-up initiator).  And I was thinking pshaw . . . no way.  I will date soon! 

She suggested it so that you can get through all the firsts alone.  First birthday, first would be anniversary, first whatever.  And it's now only about 65 days until we hit a year from the breakup.  So, unintentionally, I did what she said.

(Now playing: Johnny Cash - I Walk The Line)

She and I listened to Johnny Cash a lot too.  We saw the movie (Walk The Line) around June.  And we listened with my dad when we were here for the wedding.  So we really enjoyed his stuff and listened a lot.  And so Johnny Cash is one of those artists that reminds me of Rocio.  But I like him too much to just stop listening.  So I power through.  It's what I have to do. 

There are times when I wish things happened differently.  When I started feeling like things would be okay, I started to get excited at the thought of finding someone else, going through the whole falling in love process again.  It feels great when it's happening.  And it hasn't been that long, but it's hard to deal with the waiting.  It'll all happen in time.  I know that.  And I don't want to do online dating yet, because I want it to happen naturally if possible.  But it's just so hard sometimes, knowing that I have to wait.

(Now playing: Norman Blake - You Are My Sunshine (from O Brother, Where Art Thou? Soundtrack)

  Well, this song will always make me think of two things.  Rocio, of course, because a lot does.  I used to sing it to her until I looked up the other verses.  Very, very depressing song alternating with the sweet lyrics.  Read:

The other night dear, as I lay sleeping
I dreamed I held you in my arms
But when I awoke, dear, I was mistaken
So I hung my head and I cried.

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away

I'll always love you and make you happy,
If you will only say the same.
But if you leave me and love another,
You'll regret it all some day:

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away

You told me once, dear, you really loved me
And no one else could come between.
But not you've left me and love another;
You have shattered all of my dreams:

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away

In all my dreams, dear, you seem to leave me
When I awake my poor heart pains.
So when you come back and make me happy
I'll forgive you dear, I'll take all the blame.

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away
 
     Okay, so that's depressing as hell.  But I'll be damned if it's not exactly how I feel sometimes.  Interesting, eh?

   The other thing that the song reminds me of is the movie "Primary Colors".  If you've seen it, you'd remember the scene.  If you haven't seen it, please do.  I love it :-)

(Now playing: Billy Joel - Tell Her About It)

    Good song.  Billy Joel has been playing in my house since before I was born.  You grow up on Long Island, you grow up a Billy Joel fan, for the most part.  Listening to Billy Joel, oftentimes, makes me feel safe.  Makes me feel like everything will be okay.

Strange, eh?

(Now Playing: Cyndi Lauper - True Colors)

   Well, this is quite the song.  It reminds me of high school.  When I'd close at Baskin Robbins, there'd be times when I'd bring my boombox with me so that after we close, we can listen to music.  When Pete and I would close, we'd listen to Cyndi.  This song, and nearly every Cyndi Lauper song, reminds me of those days.

Times were good in high school, work-wise.  I worked with my friends Pete, Nicole, Mike, Dave, and Steve.  I mean, these were people I was friends with in school that I worked with as well, not just work friends, which was nice.  Right now, the only real friend I have from work is James.  I have a feeling that an old friendship with Ryan will start up again when I switch to my new job, since he and I used to hang out and be friends before I moved.  And we'll be working together more, which is awesome. 

(Now playing: Bruce Springsteen - The Rising)

   If I remember correctly, this song came out right after September 11.  Good song.  I remember driving to work at Dunkin Donuts and it was playing on the radio one night.  I have these very random memories from music.  I think that music can bring out memories like that pretty easily.  I think that's part of why I enjoy blogging in this manner.  I should do it more often.  It's nice to feel the memories again. 

(Now playing: Five For Fighting - Easy Tonight)

  I dunno why I'm listening to this song.  It's kinda slow and depressing.  I don't really need depressing.  Do I?

You were wrong
You were right
You are gone
Tonight
You were free
So alive
You were wrong
You were right
You were down
You could see
You wore hearts for me
You were sharp
Sharp as knives
You were wrong
You were right

Shot down­ said you never had the chance
Took a ride on a suicide romance
Could have sworn there was somebody home
To facilitate the great unknown
Woman, I ain’t going to meet you anywhere
Don’t know where I’m going yet­
But I sure am getting there
Shotgun fire
Anybody home
I got two dimes in the telephone
Alright­
It’s not easy tonight

You were bound
You were free
You wear black for me
You were dark
Dark as night
You were wrong
You were right

Shot down­ said you never had the chance
Took a ride on a suicide romance
Could have sworn there was somebody home
To facilitate the great unknown
But woman, I ain’t going to meet you anywhere
Don’t know where I’m going yet ­but I sure am getting there

Shotgun fire­ anybody home
I got two dimes in the telephone
Alright
It’s not easy tonight

She’s in.
Over my head
And it’s not easy it’s not easy tonight

Shotgun fire anybody home
I got two dimes in the telephone
Alright it’s not easy tonight

You were free­
Now your not
You were free

  Maybe I'll stop now.

-Anthony

The last few days, I've had some strange feelings.  Friday night, I had dinner with Pete, Andrew, Alex, and Ali.  The last time Pete, Andrew, and I were together was probably three or four years ago, when we used to go to football games at Stony Brook.  Yesterday, Andrew and I hung out for lunch and watched some Office before class.  Every Wednesday, I hang out with Pete for a few hours.  Once a week, James and I go to the diner.  The last three shifts I've had at work, I've made sure to enjoy myself very much, initiating sing-alongs at the service desk.  These are all good things.

I feel extremely comfortable being back at this Target.  I feel like I haven't missed a beat when it comes to my friends.  There was no period of "getting used" to it, these things all just came together.  I know that this move was the right move to make.  Eventually, I'll be happy here.  Eventually, my life will become great.  And while I wait, I have friends and family to get me through. 

At the same time, however, I miss certain things.  Things I knew I'd miss (remember this post?!).  I miss having Rocio around, although it's probably better off that I'm not in South Dakota anymore.  I miss my old Target a lot.  Now, I feel more comfortable here than I felt there, and I love this Target (probably more than that one, mostly because here, they let me do things that I would never have been allowed to do in SD), but the people at T-0076 in Sioux Falls were so amazing.  I added a few more to my facebook today, and it just reminded me of how great it was there. I don't know that I'll ever be back there, but if so, I hope to be able to visit some of them. 

Being back at school is odd, too.  When I was at USD, I found that I actually missed Stony Brook.  Now, I feel the opposite.  I miss USD a lot.  I miss Vermillion, and the pretty campus and all that.  But ya know what?  At least here I have friends.  I get to see Andrew twice a week.  I had nothing when I was at USD.  That's a plus.

So, yeah, I mean, I am very up and down over this.  As sad as I feel about something, I feel good about it too.  So, it's so hard to know how I feel.  I don't even understand it.

Oh well.

Anyway, time to get ready to go.  I'm gonna go early so I can get books and whatnot.  More soon :)

-Anthony

Thursday, September 21, 2006
Music: shuffle
Mood:  cautiously unanxious

(Now Playing: Dave Matthews Band - You Never Know)

    So, here it is, the day that Rob gets here.  I am here in my dorm room in Vermillion knowing that he's going to be in a hotel in Minneapolis with Rocio.  I can't get that out of my head sometimes.  But then other times, I've been doing okay at forgetting it for a bit.  I just have to stay focused on what I need to do and I know that the next six days will go by fast for me.  Here's what I'm looking at:

  Tomorrow: Drive up to Sioux Falls, do some laundry, MAYBE talk to my boss about the yelling incident from two weeks ago, MAYBE shop for clothes for my internship, come home, relax
 
 Saturday and Sunday: Homework :-)

  I have a lot of homework to do, and of course I haven't done any today!  Tomorrow's not looking like much is going to get done either.  I'm going to try to do more on Saturday than Sunday so that I can relax on Sunday.  We'll see how that goes.  Then Monday I have some classes, then I meet with my teacher for my internship.  I am VERY nervous about this, you don't even understand.  This is just the initial meeting, so it shouldn't be too bad, I suppose. 

  Tuesday will go fine, and then it's Wednesday and he leaves. And then things go back to normal for a while.  I don't know, I think it'll go okay for me.  I've been taking my medicine, I have been feeling okay, and I think that I can get through this.  :-)

   SO, today was my first Weight Watchers meeting.  It went well.  My worst fears were realized: I gained back ALL of the weight I lost the first time, plus 13 pounds.  So I'm starting out huge, but I know that I can come back from it. 

(Now Playing: Eminem - My Dad's Gone Crazy)

    I am actually very excited about doing Weight Watchers this time.  It's been a LONG time since I've felt that way.  When I went with Rocio when I first moved here, it was not the same feeling.  I just was not that into it then, but I am now.  I am going to do it again, and this time I'm going to keep it off  I know I am!  :-) 

   Today was good beacuse I got to talk to Rocio A LOT.  I mean, it was great.  Then she even had to call me because she was lost and couldn't find her way to airport, which I got her to because I'm awesome!  Then again, it's kinda funny, Alex was saying that it wasn't right for me to have to get her to find him.  But I had to, she needed help.  Ya know?  I still am her friend and want her to be okay. 

  Oh, that's another thing.  Yesterday, for the first time, I was actually able to say honestly that I want Rocio to be happy, even if that means that it's not with me.  It doesn't mean that it won't hurt me, but it does mean that I'll be there for her.  :-)  That's a huge step for me.  I'm getting there, i really am. 

(Now Playing: Dave Matthews Band - #41)

   It is still hard for me though.  I feel very lonely.  I am starting to feel blocked in.  I am starting to feel like I am stuck.   For the most part, I am alone, physically.  I get to see Rocio and Juan for a few days a week, but other than that, and the occasional class, it's tough.  I've been going to the library and stuff more and more, trying to get out there.  Trying to be available.  I went to U. Brew, which is our little coffee shop in the Student Center, but no one comes over and talks to me, and I am scared to death to go over and talk to someone else!  I'm trying though.  I'm not always in my room, which is feeling more and more like a prison.  I mean, I love it.  But at the same time, I know that if I stay in it too much, I'll never meet anyone and never make friends.  So I reserve my room for my nights and during the day I try to be on campus.  So I hope it works out soon :-) 

  Wow this song brings back some great memories.  It reminds me of 11th grade.  I mean, I've loved dmb for years and years, but for some reason, this song was huge for me in 11th grade. Basically, more to the point, it reminds me of a much happier time for me.  I mean, 11th grade wasn't the best or anything.  But it was less lonely.

    Gosh, I wish I could relive certain times in my life.  For example, I wish I could relive the whole Spring 2004 semester.  Film Studies with Andrew was amazing.  We have so many stories to tell. :-)  English class with Sara was so much fun!  Hanging out with Pete all the time.  Working with the kids at East Islip, great.  Doing the whole job search.  Actually losing weight!  Overall, great times.  

  I'd also be with Rocio, then.  Not physically, but at least we'd be in a relationship.  Ugh.  There I go again.  I'm not going to stay down though.  That's out of my head already!

(Now Playing: David Gray - Please Forgive Me)

   Now David Gray always makes me feel the same.  It's the weirdest thing how songs and music can bring you to a specific feeling.  For me, this whole album brings me January, 2001.  And it brings me back to one specific rainy night, driving Mike Silvering to pick up his car from the mechanic, then driving home to get ready before we met up at the movies to see Thirteen Days (the Cuban Missile Crisis movie with Kevin Costner).  I listened to this CD in the car, since I had bought it a few weeks earlier.  I can feel the rain.  I can feel the greyness. 

   Absolutely amazing.  It really is.  That was an okay time in my life.  Second Semester of my freshman year at Stony Brook University  Still a year and a half before I met Rocio!  Six months before my first Dave Matthews Band concert.   15 months before I met Alex and Andrew.  Nine months before the  terrorist attacks on September 11th.  Everything was different.  Better or worse?  I dont know.  My grandpa was still alive,  I still worked at Baskin Robbins in the Smithaven Mall.  I had totally different friends, very different priorities.  Everything was different.  Do I miss it?  I really don't know.

(Now Playing: Dave Matthews Band - Sleep To Dream Her)

   This song, interestingly, is from the same time period.  This album came out in February of 2001.  I remember listening to it on the way to take a test in one of my American History classes that same semester.  When I got out, there was a big snowstorm going on.  Had to take it slow on the way home, which allowed me to listen to more of the album.  Overall, this was one of my favorite songs off of Everyday.  I don't know why.  I just really liked it. 

Ugh.

(Now Playing: Johnny Cash featuring Dave Matthews - For You)

  This song is interesting because I downloaded it maybe four years ago, but I never listened to it. Then one day I noticed it about two months ago and was so excited!

  Johnny Cash reminds of of the end of my relationship.  Rocio and I listened to a LOT of Johnny Cash the last few months.  I really got into his music in New York when I was driving my car and my dad left the CD in the car.  When I got back we got the greatest hits and always listened to them when we drove.  It was something we could agree upon.  This song makes me sad.  It makes me want to be back with Rocio.  I just love her. 

Okay.  HAve to skip the rest of the song.

(Now Playing: P. Diddy featuring Usher and Loon - I Need A Girl (Part 1))

   Okay, I'm going to end with this song.  This song would come on the radio in the summer of 2002, well, late spring 2002, while I was at work.  Ali would sing it and say that it's my song.  That I needed a girl.  I'd sit there and cry on my way home because I was so lonely.  SO LONELY.  And then I found Rocio.  It was perfect, amazing. 

  Four and a half years later, this song is back in my brain.  And there you go.

More whenever.

-Anthony

I'm crossposting this into my Livejournal

Well,

It's been a long time since I've posted anything of value in my blog. I don't even know who, if anyone, reads it still. But here is a blog. I've been downloading lots of torrents with 90s songs, and it makes me think about high school because we were in high school for the last four years of the 90s. It's funny how even the first ten seconds of a song can actually bring you back to certain moments that you totally forgot about. :-)

So, I've been doing okay with the breakup, sometimes. Other times it hurts like hell. But I'm trying really hard to get over it. Moving on is another story, however. At least I'm trying something and not dwelling. That's a start.

I am 93.5% sure that I'll be moving into the dorms for the first time ever in a couple of weeks. They offered me a single room, which I really wanted. I need to be away from it all right now. I can't be seeing Rocio and the daily reminder of the breakup. It's not that I'm mad about it or anything, but I don't see how I can move on without doing that.

On an even sadder note, I don't know if anyone who reads this knows him, but John Murray passed away a few weeks ago. My mom just told me yesterday, and it's been on my mind. John and I went to elementary school together and were friends all the way through about ninth grade. He lived around the corner from me, five houses from me, really. I have a lot of fond memories of him from my childhood. We had our share of fights and stuff like that, and the friendship didn't last into high school. But all the same, it made me really, really sad to think that he's passed away. I don't know, I guess it's the fact that he's my age. Or the fact that I really kinda miss certain things about my past. I live in South Dakota now, and I'll live in the midwest for some time, and I don't know that I'll ever be back on Long Island, honestly. I know that sounds crazy, but it's true. I mean, now that Rocio and I are broken up, the chances went up. But at the same time, this place and the region in general have really grown on me.

I think about my friends though. The ones from high school. Yeah, I made some great friends at Target in South Setauket and at Stony Brook, but I'm thinking more about about my friends, especially those from my senior year. When I think about that year, as I have been recently for various reasons, I think about people like Andrea, Pete, Eric, Will, Devin. I think about how important you guys were to me. And although we may not talk often, if at all, I still feel a bond to you guys. This blog, like most of my blogs, will probably go unread. I understand that. But on the offchance that any of you read this, please understand that I still care about you guys. And I still think about you, a lot. And I wish that we were closer, not just in distance, but in friendship. I guess it's partially my fault.

Anyway, that's all for now. Comments are always welcome. I just hope everyone is well.

More eventually.

-Anthony