11 posts tagged “loneliness”

Sunday, August 12, 2007
Current Music: Bruce Springsteen - Born To Run
Current Mood: bad 

  So, a year ago today my parents came to visit me in South Dakota.  Rocio and I pretended to be together, since we hadn't told our parents about the breakup yet.  That was relatively uncomfortable, honestly. 

Then I started getting ready to move into the dorm after they left.  I was scared to death of going into the dorms.  Remember?  I posted about it on here, I believe.  God, what strange things I went through last year.

Oh, so how about this . . . last weekend (August 4-5) was one of the best weekends I've ever had.  Saw dmb twice, had a great time hanging out with James. It just all went well.  One year ago the same weekend I had what I still consider to be the worst weekend I've ever had in all of my life.  I went to Minneapolis with Rocio, Juan, and Michelle.  Things were bad.  I mean, we had just broken up a few weeks before, she was getting ready for Rob's first visit, and we just were NOT getting along at all.  A LOT was making me think about how terrible my life was at that point and things were just bad. 

So, it's funny that the same exact weekend on consecutive years can be such hugely opposite experiences! 

Anyway, today was a nice, relaxing day off.  I worked a bit yesterday, so today was my only real day off.  I didn't do much of anything except for hang out, listen to music, e-mail a few people, text message a few people, and listen to more music :-)  Can't complain about that at all.  Back to work tomorrow, but I feel good about my job now.  I'm all set up for this week's signing, so I should be fine.  I want to try to help Melissa in Market, since she's been having issues with being understaffed on the salesfloor.  So I'm going to try to throw some hours that way in the midst of my signing.  We'll see how it goes. 

I've been kinda sick the past four days, but it hasn't been too bad.  I've had a really annoying runny/stuffy nose thing going on, but I got Aleve Cold and Sinus (the stuff behind the pharmacy, the hard stuff!) for that.  But I have this annoying really deep cough, which frustrates me.  Hopefully it's going away soon.  At least I didn't get strep for the third time in four months!

I was just looking back at my Vox entries from last August.  Apparently I moved into the dorms August 28.  That's almost exactly a year before I start at my new college :-)  I start Adelphi on August 27.  I mean, I think.  I haven't officially gotten accepted yet, but I am 99% sure that I'm getting accepted.  But it takes up to two weeks for them to get it all set up, and I just finished getting my letters and transcripts in this past monday.  So tomorrow is only one week.  I'd much rather them tell me this week, though, then wait.  I don't want it to come too close. 

So, I made a stupid decision.  I stopped taking my meds again.  I do this every now and then, for two reasons:

1) I was feeling great at the time.  I honestly felt great about my life (as you may remember from my past entries).  So I figured I didn't need medicine to feel great, my life was great naturally.

2) I was sick of needing medicine to feel great in the first place. 

  I find, however, that I do need it. I mean, I didn't really think about it until today, but I just went downhill FAST once I stopped taking the medicine.  So I started again tonight.  It'll take a bit of time to kick in, but I'm back on it. 

 It's funny, though.  Although I'm back to being really, really depressed and lonely and whatnot, I'm still listening to stupidly depressing music.  I don't understand why I do that.  I just don't get myself.

I do look forward to going back to work tomorrow.  I like being there more than being off.  At least when I'm there, I get to see people and chat with people.  Then again, now that I have gym buddies, I feel more social.  Last night, after we went to the gym, Christine, Melissa, and I went to Cold Stone.  Oddly, I haven't been to Cold Stone since I was still living in Sioux Falls with Rocio.  So it's been a year.  But it was nice to just sit at the table, chatting about things over ice cream.  So, I have been more social lately.  And that'll become even more social when school starts and I'm hanging out with Andrew again, and seeing people at school as well as work.  And hopefully Pete will be more available. 

Yet as un-lonely as I have been, I feel completely alone.  I closed my e-harmony account.  Although I'm feeling this way, I want something to happen naturally somehow.  I want to experience finding someone in person.  Rocio and I started out on the internet (obviously, we had to), and it worked well . . .I mean we got along for most of the time and we did work well.  So I'm not against the internet.  I just want to experience something different. 

We'll see what happens.

This hasn't been nearly as depressing as I thought it would be.  But I'm going to try to get some sleep, since I overslept for work the past few days and haven't been on a normal sleeping routine since before my Hartford trip.

More tomorrow.

-Anthony

Monday, July 9, 2007
Current Music: Bruce Springsteen - Nebraska
Current Mood: nostalgic

   I know that I shouldn't post this.  I shouldn't be listening to the music I'm listening to, shouldn't be blogging, and shouldn't be thinking what I am.  But most other nights I'd be asleep for an hour by now . . . I'm just not in the mood to sleep.  I wish I was though!

I'm gonna just go ahead and say this right off the bat . . . I'm keeping this entry public, but Rocio, if you're reading this, I'd recommend you either stop reading or don't hold what I say against me. 

Okay . . . let's go ahead and start.  Perfect timing, as this song comes to an end. What's next . . .

(Now playing: David Gray - Please Forgive Me)

   Okay.  So, tonight was the annual MLB Homerun Derby.  It takes place the same time every year, the second Monday in July.  It's always been one of my favorite things in the baseball season.  Last year I was even more excited because it a Met was in the derby . . . David Wright!  Last year was nice, too, because I was still living in Sioux Falls, and Juan and I were watching while Rocio was at the gym.  Then she came home from the gym and told me that we were broken up. 

In the second round of the derby.  While David Wright was winning!

Then she got in a car and drove away, leaving me wondering what was happening.

And we've finally hit that point . . . we've hit a year.  Amazingly, I've been feeling great about my life the past month.  I've posted about it here before, but work's been great, my friends have been amazing, I've been feeling really excited about my future in many different respects.  I haven't been dwelling on this stuff . . . but I knew that certain days would be coming up when it is unavoidable.  This was a big one. 

(Now playing: Andrew Bird - Tables and Chairs)

  How does iTunes know which songs are going to remind me of things and bring me down?  It's very intuitive!

  So, yeah.  I didn't watch the derby tonight.  I did record it.  I may watch it at some point.  But I couldn't tonight.  I know it sounds dumb, but I worry that it'll always remind me of those feelings.  Like, even though I don't feel badly anymore, I remember what it felt like that night.  I remember it pretty clearly, and I'm fairly certain that each year it's going to remind me when the Homerun Derby is on. 

There are other days coming up that I am really not looking forward to.  July 21, 2007 was the date we asked the Ramada to hold for our wedding.  It's also the day that the new Harry Potter book comes out, which will remind me of the night Rocio and I went to Barnes and Noble for their midnight release party for the Half-Blood Prince.  So July 21 will be a tough day. 

July 23 was our anniversary.  Five years ago that day is when I first told her that I loved her.  Seems strange that it was five years ago.

(Now playing: Coldplay - Trouble)

  Understand that I'm not particularly depressed about any of this.  In fact, when I think about how awkward/terrible last summer was, I am so excited that this summer is going as well as it is.  It's just that July kinda sucks.  Hehe.

I'll get by, though.  I will.

I thought this post would be much more negative.  I'm glad it's not.

-Anthony

I guess this'll be quick, since I'm going to be leaving for work soon.  Things are going okay with me, but not that great.  I am kinda looking forward to work today, since it's nice to be able to talk to people and stuff.  I get really lonely sometimes, and one of those times is right now! 

But yeah, so I'm gonna be heading to work in a bit, but I really wanted to post a blog, just to get some stuff off my chest.

Things aren't going badly, mind you.  Things are actually going pretty okay.  But I've been lonely.  I miss a lot of stuff, as usual, and I just want things to be better soon.  I feel like I'm not moving, like things are just static.  Stuff is happening around me, but I'm not going anywhere.

It's a scary feeling.

Right now, New Slang is playing, and this is the perfect kind of song to be playing right now.  It's one of those songs that makes me feel like I'm stuck in the middle of all this action.  People area all around me, rushing around, talking, feeling great, just doing their own thing.  And I'm just standing completely still, looking around, and feeling very blank.  I don't want to feel this way.  It's not medicine's fault.  This is something that I was always afraid of when I started taking anti-depressants.  I was worried that I'd be blank, away from everything that was going on.  But that's not what's going on.  I haven't taken medicine in months now.  I'm going to the doctor next week to get back on them, but for now, I'm not taking them.  So what is it then?  What is going on with me? 

Moving on to Andrew Bird's song, Fake Palindromes.  I get depressed when I listen to his music.  It makes me remember much better times than these.

That's tough too. 

Well, it's on to work for me.  It'll be okay.  I keep telling myself that it'll be okay.  Let's hope I can convince my mind to believe myself.

-Anthony

I'm not doing that well right now.  Let's see . . . I've read about 200 of the 500 pages I wanted to finish tomorrow.  I was trying to get 300 done by today and read the other 200 tomorrow. Looks like it'll be a busy reading day tomorrow.  All I have to do during the day time is go to the gym, so that'll be about an hour and a half out of my day.  If I can get up by 8:30, I can get to the gym and be home by 10:30.  Then I'd have from 10:30-3:30 to read.  5 hours is a lot of time.  Then I have to go help my mom with something in Riverhead.  Between that and supper, I'll be back around 8.  Then I can read from 8-11.  Then go to bed.  So I'll have a total of 8 hours of reading time.  That's not counting breaks, because I can't read for 8 straight hours.  I just can't do it.  But I should be okay.

But I'm not down because of that.  Tonight was my last night of class.  It ended early, and now I'm super depressed because I'll miss my classmates a lot.  It was a nice semester, feeling like I fit in and feeling very social, even if for just a few hours a night. 

Well, I do start my new job the week after next.  I'll be around Target a lot more, so I can feel social there, too, I guess.  I just don't want to feel alone this summer.  Last summer was bad enough, I need, need, need a good summer.  I'll have the Mets, DMB, and friends, so it shouldn't be terrible. 

I hope, anyway. 

Other than that, I'm just very blah right now.  I'll get better, I'm sure.  The weekend will be good at least.  I'll be working Saturday and Sunday.  It's sad that I look forward to work, just so that I can feel social. 

Anyway, I've been very up and down recently.  I need to start medicine again, which means I have to go to the doctor as soon as possible before I fall off of my mom's insurance at my birthday.

Okay, that's enough from me for now.  More soon or tomorrow.

I'm gonna watch tv or something.  I need to calm down.

-Anthony

   I sound like a broken record a lot of times, but the same thoughts always run through my head, and I need to let them out.  I am still lonely, I still wish that I could find someone.  I want to fall in love.  I want to have those feelings again.  It's been so long since I've felt loved.  And it's starting to feel more and more hopeless. 

    I'm probably going to try eHarmony in a few months, when I start to make a tad more money, since it's a very expensive thing.  The ONLY problem with that is that I wish I could find something that happens naturally.  Something that just starts to come together.  Feelings building instead of actively looking. 

    Then again, the few times that I've thought something could happen naturally, they didn't.  And there's no chance that they would, and that's nearly as frustrating, ya know?

     I know, I know, broken record.  Oh well. 

-Anthony-

Now Playing: Colin Hay - Waiting For My Real Life To Begin

   It's 4:30am.  I just finished watching Garden State.  I'm kinda dumb, because I know that when it's 2:45 and I'm depressed, the smart thing is to not watch a movie that will make me feel even worse, but I end up doing that.  Then I pop on depressing music and post a depressing blog about my depressing fucking life.

Yup.  I'm really not right in the head. 

On the plus side, I'm seeing Colin Hay in four days, which I'm really excited about, since I bought the tickets three months ago! 

I'm going to be joining eHarmony in about a month, when I have enough money to pay for a month or three of it.  It's really expensive, but James is on match.com, and he's had some really good experiences already, and it's only been a week or so for him.  I feel like eHarmony is a better place for me.  I dunno why. 

Anyway, I guess I'll try to sleep.  I'm meeting James for lunch in 6.5 hours.  I doubt I'll be able to wake up when I nee to.  I hope I do, though.

I really do hope that.

-Anthony

For me, personally, it's never a good idea to watch The Last Kiss at 3am.  But, I did.  Of course I did.

Now, still wide awake, but also sadly lonely and depressed, I wait the four hours and a half hours until I meet Pete for breakfast at Friendly's.  If I go to sleep now, waking up will be quite the issue.  If I stay up now, I'll be in quite the predicament tomorrow when I'm babysitting three children ages 5 and under all day.  You see how it's going to be interesting? 

So, maybe I'll lay in bed, watch some television with my eyes closed, and hope that if I do fall asleep, my body sees it as a nap, and wakes up when one of the five alarms I've set goes off. 

That'd be the best case scenario. 

Worst Case?  That's easy!  I wake up to a phone call from Pete wondering where I am.  Either way, it'll be a good breakfast.  I'm very excited about it.

More soon, maybe.  I am still down, you know.

-Anthony

(Now playing: Counting Crows - Anna Begins)

    Well, it's 2:15 and I'm pretty awake.  And I feel very emotional.  And so I'm posting.  I take that back, I'm not that awake.  I'm kinda tired, but I can't seem to get over that hump and fall asleep.  It's just not in the cards right now.  Right now I have to post a blog.  That's just the way things work.

    I have so many things going on in my head.  So many things I want to say.  And you know what?  I've said them all before, so many times that my entire blog readership will wonder if I have amnesia and just forget that I've written all this stuff down so many times before. 

    I want to find happiness.  That's what I want.  Happiness.  Because it's been too long.  It's been eight months.  And even though I have these happy moments during the week, I don't have the whole ness to add to the happy. 

    I'm sick of these feelings.  I'm sick and freaking tired of feeling this way.  I know that this is the kinda stuff I always say late at night when I'm trying to fall asleep and I can't and I start watching Scrubs, or listening to music, or doing something else that's gonna depress me even more.

(Now playing: George Harrison - My Sweet Lord)

    I have very wonderful memories of my time living in South Dakota.  I really do.  And I miss things sometimes.  It's not that I miss Rocio, mind you.  It's the little things.  The things that I would miss if it was any girl.  Going food shopping with her, picking her up from work, going to pick up the chinese food.  The little things.

Ya know?

I miss being a family.  This still isn't home to me.  In my phone, I don't have a number marked "home".  For my house phone, I have it as "mom and dad" in my phone book.  I used to feel this way at USD.  That I didn't have a home.  I know that my family is here, and my friends.  And the interesting thing is that when I'm with my friends, I feel like I'm home.  They say home is where your heart is, right?  Honestly, that's when I feel the most home, when I'm sitting in a diner with James, or driving around with Pete or Andrew.  That's when I feel the best.  When I'm here, I feel like I'm just waiting until the next chance I can be with my friends again. 

I know that things happen quickly.  I know that things come out of nowhere sometimes.  So maybe I'll meet someone soon.  Maybe it'll happen when I least expect it.  Which is good because I've stopped expecting it at all.

(Now playing: Coldplay - Warning Sign)

    Well, this song is depressing.  And it's in the movie The Last Kiss, which is one of my favorite movies, even though the movie is also depressing. 

    The music works well for me right now, though.  I want more.  I want more than what I have.  Some would say I'm damn lucky to have what I have.  And compared to what I had just three and a half months ago, when I was sitting in my dorm room, 1,500 miles away from a single person who loved me, then yeah, I have it all.

But I don't have it all.  I can't lie to myself and pretend that I do just because it should make me feel better.  The truth is that I want more.  I'm not being greedy here.  I just want something more than what I have right now.  God.  2:30.  I just watched an episode of "How I Met Your Mother" that was titled 'Nothing Good Ever Happens After 2am'.  I am starting to believe that.  Heh.   I wish I could just go to sleep.

I guess that's what I'll try now. 

-Anthony

Kim: having a crisis are we?
Michael: do I look like I'm having a crisis?
Kim: everyone I know is having a crisis. I know you are not supposed to get them until midlife but I think something's happening to our metabolism
Michael: our metabolism?
Kim: [nods] yeah I mean the world is moving so fast now, we are all chasing something so fast that we start freaking out long before our parents did

    This is from the movie The Last Kiss.  I started watching it about twenty minutes ago, but I stopped.  I stopped for two reasons.  First, I am kinda tired and wouldn't make it very far into it.  Secondly, and much more annoyingly, I knew that if I watched any farther, I'd get depressed.

Even with Bob Marley playing in the background, telling me that "every little thing's gonna be alright", I still can't get over the quote above.  I agree with Kim.  They call them mid-life crises.  They say that they're supposed to come in your mid-40s or so.  I'm going to be 25 in a few months. I am already having my crisis.  It'll be great if this turns out to be my only crisis in life. 

See, here's my real problem:  Although I was in a committed, serious relationship/engagement for four years, I am 100% inexperienced with relationships; specifically getting into them.  I have no clue how to start a relationship.  I have no idea how to ask a girl out.  I have no idea how to even try to find out if someone is involved without looking like I'm interested or whatever.  I am a total novice.  And that is not good when you're my age.  Every girl around me would expect me to at least have some skills in that department.  It scares me.  It's what really scares me the most about getting "back in the game". 

The thing is that I am really basing my happiness on finding the right person.  Any outsider reading my blog would think that it's an obsession, which sounds kinda creepy.  But I do equate my happiness with finding someone.  Each person is different, and someone else may be perfectly happy living their life without the need to find their soulmate.  And I understand that.  For me, though, the search for someone is my search for happiness.  I was depressed before Rocio because of the same thing.  I was alone.  And I was sad.  I wasn't scared, though.  I was young (just 19), so I didn't feel my own internal clock ticking within me. 

This isn't to say that I'm really depressed at this moment.  I'm down, yeah, but I'm not terribly down.  It's another Friday night.  At least tomorrow I'm hanging out with James.  I won't feel like my entire weekend is lonely.  I do have a lot of work to do, and have been reading for a good part of the night.  So I feel good about that.  And I'll be finishing my reading tomorrow before dinner with James. 

Anyway, that's my story for tonight. 

-Anthony

It's Saturday night, and (as usual), I'm kinda down.  This blog is ridiculous.  I must look so depressing.  But that's the thing . . . I'm not the same person I used to be.  People are starting to notice and it scares the hell out of me. 

Let's take Target for example.  Before I left for South Dakota, back when I was still living in New York, back when things were great, I was amazingly fun, happy, silly, and awesome to work with.  People loved my enthusiasm.  Now, I can't even fake it anymore.  I was told today that the person could tell that I was sad from my eyes.  I had sad eyes!  I've also become "emo" in a sense.  I am down, and i listen to sad music, even though I shouldn't.

 This stuff all scares me.  And, like i said, when you read my blog, I'm sure i come across as a lonely, depressed person.  And it's not really 100% true.  I had a great night last night.  James and I had dinner, then I drove around for an hour while we listened to music and discussed a whole bunch of stuff, like religion and stuff.  I mean, it was awesome. 

I dunno.

I dunno at all.

(i miss a lot of things)

-Anthony