12 posts tagged “happiness”

"I can't believe that we would lie in our graves wondering if we had spent our living days well . . . "

It's impossible to know when we'll be gone, impossible to know what's going to happen to us next. Life is full of little surprises, isnt' it?  We live our lives every day, trying to do things to make it okay.  To get to the next day.  It's really easy to get into a routine.  It's really easy to stay stationary, in a way.  Lately, I've felt stationary in certain parts of my life while other parts are moving ahead wonderfully.  I just want the stationary parts to move forward too. 

The wedding planning is just about done.  It was pretty much done less than a month into the engagement.  We picked the date, the hall, DJ, pictures, etc.  All that's left is the flowers.  And then it's the little things.  Finalizing the guest list.  Picking the menu.  The easier stuff.  I'm thrilled that everything went so easily.  Just gotta wait the eight months until the wedding :-)

The rest feels like a routine.  I pretty much work for my next day off.  I look forward to Tuesdays and every other weekend, because that's when I'm off.  I'm actually looking forward to going back to school.  I feel like I need to jumpstart something.  I've been getting realllllly sick of Target lately, it's been a frustrating place to be.  I go through highs and lows all the time there, so I'll be fine soon enough.  But still, I need to finish up so I can move on and get a real job.

I cannot believe that next year is going to be my 10 year reunion.  Ten years since I graduated from high school.  It's such a strange feeling.  I'm going to be 27 in a few weeks.  Someone I work with turns 17 next week.  I hardly feel like I'm ten years older than her. 

I'm sitting here listening to Ants Marching . . . the studio cut from Under The Table and Dreaming.  I'm already up to 11 years of being a Dave Matthews Band fanatic.  We're talking about 40% of my life.  Is it any wonder that when I finally decided to get a tattoo, it would be a dmb one.  They just released a new album, one that I've been waiting with anticipation for a long time for. 

Good timing . . . a song from that album called You & Me just came on.  This song makes me feel really excited about starting my life with Heather.  It makes me excited about having a family, growing old with someone. 

You and me together
We could do anything, baby
You and me together
Yes, yes . . .

It's amazing how much this band means to me.  When LeRoi died, it felt like a family member died.  I was at the three concerts immediately following the funeral . . . the first one was just two days after.  The amazing thing is the fact that the band came out and played, even the night that Roi died.  Dave said he just wanted to be with the people one stage and with us in the audience.  Music was therapy for them, and it was for all of us at the Gorge that weekend.  Every show I've been to since, every time Dave mentions LeRoi, we all feel what Dave feels. He'll always be Stage Left.

But then the wrong and rage is over
When light comes laughing loud
Oh and the hatred turns into loving
And out of nightime the soul is found
Oh when flowers bloom in the desert
Only hope can come from that
Oh and worn down in your worry
Only love can get it right"

That's from Grey Street, July 12, 2000.  One of my absolute favorite versions that happened to pop up on shuffle. 

It's always been the lyrics for me.  I mean, the music is great.  But I don't know that much about music, and I usually just get lost in it.  On the message boards, when people are discussing Carter's drumming or Stefan or Boyd's fills, I don't really catch them.  But lyrics . . . Dave's words.  Those get me every time.  I've said before that I think Dave Matthews Band has saved my life on a few occasions.  I've been down before . . . like really low.  It's been a while since I've felt that way, but it's happened multiple times.  And it's always this music that keeps me going.  It's the Carpe Diem attitude. It's the way the songs relate to me.  It's the fact that I can put on certain songs like Song That Jane Likes or Granny, and I can't help but smile.  It just happens, no matter what's going on.  And sometimes, when you just have to listen to sad music, there's plenty of that there too.  There are a lot of lyrics that help you realize that you need to live for today, the first thing I wrote in this entry, from Lie In Our Graves, is a great example. When all is siad and done, you don't want to regret anything.  You don't want to wonder if you've lived well or not.  You need to be happy in your life. 

There used to be a very positive person inside of me.  It's still in there, but it's hidden by a lot of self-hate.  It's hidded deeeeeeep down, and it needs to come out soon.  It's gonna be tough . ..  but I really need fix what's wrong with me and fix my attitude. 

But really, life isn't bad at all. 

Hehe, certain songs can bring it all back to a good place for me. 

Like this one:

07 Spaceman

Dave Matthews Band

Today was a good day.  Actually, this is a good weekend.  Yesterday I go to see Pete, then Heather and I had dinner with Ron Lee! Then we hung out a lot afterward. 

Heather met my family today.  She's actually met everyone at one point or another over the past few weeks, but it was kinda in passing, while today we did my birthday celebration, so everyone was over for many hours.  I was concerned about overwhelming her because of the 12 people, not counting me, that she'd have to deal with.  But she did awesomely, and the kids loved her.  Of course. 

Tomorrow I'm gonna work from 6-10, then go straight to my brother's house and we're heading to the Mets/Yankees game.  That'll be fun, I believe.  Then I think I'm gonna do something to celebrate my birthday.

So yeah,it's a good weekend.  Life is good right now.  I'm happy.  I'd be even happier if I had any kind of money, but I'm doing the best I can, for now.  I got a bit of birthday money, so that's a plus.  But yeah, things have been tight. 

Work still sucks.  I hate being there, but I have to be, so I try to get by.  I fill my breaks with good people, which really helps when I need it to.  I dunno . . . we'll see how long I can last before I break.  

Yeah, though, I'm in a good place right now :-D Finally. 

Night, all!

-Anthony

      Hi everybody!  I'm sitting in the library, waiting for class to start, and I figured I'd update my blog.  I don't have all that much to say right now.  I'm super-tired, which really sucks.  I have class from 6:30-8:30, so I may get a bit of caffeine before going to it.  I'm waiting patiently on my laptop, waiting for a real computer to open up here so that I can print out two things that I need for class.  I don't think that there is anywhere else that I can print on campus, so this is pretty important.  I've been waiting an hour and no one has left yet!

     At least I've got my own computer, though, so that I don't get too bored.  Other than that, things are going pretty well.  Honestly, I have VERY little negativity in my life right now, which is unbelievably awesome.  Things are going pretty well with Brittney, which is good. It's Christmastime, which is freaking awesome, because I love the season.  I'm getting a lot of school stuff settled, which was my only real worry, and if it all works out as it looks like it's going to, then I will be able to enjoy the season even more, since I won't have anything to worry about. 

OOOOH, I just printed my stuff.

Today is a good day :-)

Tomorrow I close again at work, working on my development.  See, I close as a "team lead", which is an area manager.  I'm doing it so that they can see that I can handle it and when something opens up, they can consider me for the position.  Last week was my first week,and I did okay.  Tomorrow will go even better, since I know exactly what I did wrong and what I would do differently.   And Britt closes tomorrow, which is always nice. 

Then class wednesday, hanging out with Andrew on Thursday, work Friday, then Greg's having a party Friday night.  Can't complain about that week, eh?  And it's only threeeeee weeks till Christmas!!! 

I'm so excited, I can't even tell you. 

Ho ho ho!!!

-Anthony

Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Current Music: Jack Johnson - If I Could

   So, just a quick update while I wait for my laundry to get done so I can get ready to go to work.  I'm doing pretty well.  I'm working on straightening out the school thing, so hopefully by next week I'll have it taken care of (fingers crossed, everybody keep me in your thoughts).

Work has been stressful as hell, but I've taken on a new approach where I just don't care about what happens anymore, and it's been working for the past few days.  There are honestly a lot of politics and behind the scenes stuff there that I never thought I'd get mixed up in, but it's just annoying and weird and tough to deal with. 

(Now playing: The Shins - Kissing The Lipless)

   Yeah, I mean, I really don't want any negativity in my life anymore.  Part of the reason I decided to stop caring so much at work is that it's not worth the negative feelings I get all the time because of it.  I mean, this is actually a very positive and happy time for me right now, and I want to actually enjoy it.  AND it's the holidays, so I should really be enjoying that, too. 

   I had sooooo much fun last night.  Brittney and I were gonna go to the movies at like 8:30, but Greg and Chelsea wanted to join us, but couldn't until later.  So we decided to meet up at Starbucks, but never ended up going in, just driving around aimlessly, listening to music, and talking.  It was so much fun.  Chelsea finally called us around 11 and said she could come over and hang out with Greg, so we went to Brittney's house and played Scattergories and Trivial Purusit and had an awesomely fun night.  Like seriously, awesomely fun.  It was nice to see her outside of work . . . we have both been working so much that this was the first time in a week that we were able to hang out outside of work.

(Now playing: Old 97s - El Paso)

   I haven't hung out with Christine and Melissa in a long time . . .again, working at Target kills social lives.  But we all happen to be off on Thursday, so I believe we're all gonna go to lunch and like Starbucks and hang out and chat . . . because Christine has hours worth of stuff she needs advice with and stuff . . . and Melissa and I probably have stuff to talk about, too.  Then after that I'm gonna see Andrew.  Then I'm probably gonna go to work at night, which will be good because I'll see Brittney there and a few other fun people. 

  Tomorrow I am going to a wake.  My friend Matt's mother passed away.  I worked directly with him all summer.  I feel so terrible about it.  So Brittney, Greg, Chelsea, Christine and I are going to go to the wake tomorrow night and be there for him. 

   So, other than that, I guess I don't have much going on with me.  But I guess that is a lot going on, really. 

(Now playing: Jack Johnson - Wasting Time)

   I mean, I have a lot more going on than I did all year, hehe.  And it's the holidays, which I can't tell you how excited I am.  I just bought 4 Christmas CDs yesterday.  I am so excited about listening to them all season.  And it's really cool to be at the beginning of a new relationship at this time of the year . ..  kinda makes everything doubly merry and cheerful :-) 

Yaaaaaaaay!!! 

More soon, I hope!

-Anthony

Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Current Music: Dave Matthews Band - Cornbread
Current Mood: excited

I haven't posted many posts of substance within the past three or so months.  And that makes me sad.  But I always want to, and I sit down, and the words won't come out.  But ya know what, I don't  have anything to do for a few hours, so I think it's time.  A lot has been going on with me within the last few months, honestly.  And I'm really happy about recent times, and I feel like sharing with the few people who actually read this.

(Now playing: Dave Matthews Band - Dream Girl)

  We're gonna keep iTunes on shuffle and try not to skip around to songs that I really wanna hear.  It's gonna be up to iTunes to lead me through this post.  It's worked before, so I think it'll be okay. 

  So, I'm in a relationship.  And I am really excited and happy about it.  Her name is Brittney.  She's worked at Target longer than I have, so I've known her for a while, and we've always been friendly.  But yeah, we get along really well, have a lot in common, and like each other, and so far it's going really well.  It's all really new and great :-) And there's a couple, Greg and Chelse, that seems to LOVE us and wants to hang out with us all the time, which is fun, too

(Now playing: Sloop John B)

  So, you may read me writing about her more often, if I actually keep up with blogging, which I really want to.  But yeah, that's pretty big. 

   :-)

 Also, I'm spending WAY too much effort and time on work, for really no reason.  I invest a lot of my time and whatnot into Target, and I know that I shouldn't.  I actually get spoken to by execs there about it, since they know it's not my career and they worry that I'm not spending enough time on school.  So I'm trying to get better about doing just my job and not taking on too many responsibilities.  But yeah, as of right now, I'm focused solely on that.  The past few weeks have been stressful, since this Friday is indeed Black Friday, and I'm in charge of getting the ad setup done, which is waaaay too boring to post about here, but if you're interested, just ask.

(Now Playing: Colin Hay - What Would Bob Do?)

   It's funny that this song came on, since my boss's name is Bob.   Anyway, I want to get better about going to class, so since I didn't have any class this week, next week it's gonna be back to reality. I hope. 

  I'm really tired too.  I tend to work a lot, and a lot of time I go in at 5am, and there are also times when I do overnight (like this Saturday) or at least stay til 2 or 3 (like tonight).  But I also really enjoy being at work.  I love the people I work with, so it's not a bad place to be for me. 

  There are children running around all over the place, since my brother dropped the kids off so he could go get stuff for tomorrow, since we're doing Thanksgiving at his house. 

   I saw Dave Matthews Band again last Tuesday.  And I reallllly enjoyed it.  It was my eight show, and it was amazing. 

   I'm gonna try to post more often.  I really am.  It's therapeutic for me, ya know?

But for now, I'm gonna go watch some of Ratatouille with the kids :-)

-Anthony

Thursday, July 26, 2007
Current Mood: happy
Current Music: Shakira (featuring Wyclef) - Hips Don't Lie

  I can't STAND how happy this song makes me.  Hehehe.  I know, I'm such a dork, but this is such a very fun song, honestly.  I actually dropped the 99 cents and bought it on iTunes!  Shakira reminds me of summer 2002, right before I started to get to know Rocio, and also as we first started chatting.  She was just becoming popular.  And I liked her back then, too! 

So, it's Thursday night and I have a nice three day weekend ahead of me that I am actually VERY excited about!  Although my new job is Monday through Friday, I did have to work this past Sunday for my old job.  So, since I'm not allowed to go over 40 hours, I had to only work Monday through Thursday, which I am NOT upset about in the least!

My parents are going to Foxwoods tomorrow, which means that I actually have the day to myself.  I do, however, have a LOT of errands to run!  I have to go buy some new clothes (my clothes are TOO big for me, now!).  I have to go to the bank, I have to get a haircut, I have to do a bit of grocery shopping, and I have to go baby shopping for my friend Lenae! 

  You see, I have worked with Lenae for a long time now.  She started back when I first was at my Target, before I moved to South Dakota.  When I moved back, she was getting ready to switch to overnights, but I still saw her every day since I started working at 6.  Anyway, Lenae is pregnant, and she's moving down to North Carolina to be near the rest of her family.  She's due in just 8 weeks or so.

ANYWAY, Christine, my old team lead (in-stock team manager) is having a get-together at her house on Sunday for Lenae, since Lenae leaves on Monday.  And although Target has a rule about team leads fraternizing with Level Ones (which I used to be), since I'm not a specialist (Level Two), she invited me!  It's a bunch of us from work, plus Lenae's mom and sister.  It's gonna be so fun, and it's so awesome to be invited, ya know?

  So, tomorrow I'm gonna go get her a present from her registry. 

  I'm telling you, my life is starting to feel really good again.  Like, I haven't felt this good since last June, before the break-up!  Once I figured out my school stuff, I knew things would feel better.  But then the promotion just made things really great.  It's gotten to the point where I don't really even feel bad about not having anyone to share my life with at this moment.  I mean, sure I'd love to find someone.  But I don't get depressed about it, which is wonderful! 

  Rocio just IMd me.  I haven't talked to her since the beginning of June or so.  So, nearly two months.  But I was actually thinking about e-mailing her, seeing how things are going anyway.  So we chatted, and it went just fine.  You see, I needed to get to this kinda point in my life where I'm feeling good.  I had to get my life settled and together before I could talk to her, ya know?  But yeah, I feel great about things, so it worked out well.

:-D

Anyway, although I worked at 6 this morning and didn't sleep a lot last night, I don't know if I'll get to bed early tonight.  I mean, I want to, but whenever I'm excited about something going on the next day, it's hard for me to fall asleep! 

  I'll post another time about my new job.  Right now I'm thirsty, so I think I'm gonna go made some sugar-free Kool-Aid!

-Anthony

I made a playlist of 20 Johnny Cash songs in iTunes.  I'm listening to it now, and was in the mood to post an update, since it's been a few days and big things can happen in a few days, eh?

First off, let's just say that "Flesh and Blood" is a beautiful song, but it's the kinda song that feels better to listen to when you're with someone. 

Okay, so as I posted before, I will be the new signing specialist at my Target.  This is big for me, and I'm really excited about it.  I'll be finishing up my week on the in-stock team as I was regularly scheduled for it.  So tomorrow will be my last day with Ryan, Matt, and Brian, and then I'll finish out by working the weekend with the in-stock team lead, Andrew.  He's our manager.  Then I'll start signing on Monday.  Gina, the girl who does it now, will be pretty much training me, and then we'll be working together for a while.  I mean, she can't lift anything over ten pounds, and she can't climb ladders, due to her pregnancy, so she'll pretty much be setting stuff up and having me do it, hehe.  But it'll be good to learn that way instead of some sort of training video or something! 

So, I'll be posting about how it's going next week! 

So, yesterday I decided that I'll be attending Adelphi University for my Masters.  The people there were so nice.  The person from the school of education that I met was extremely helpful.  He gave me all the information I need and made it clear that I'd be getting in once my application was all received, which is awesome.  It's a relief, really.  And I'm excited about starting a new school.  Its a beautiful campus.  The school was founded in 1896 in Brooklyn, and then moved in 1912 to its current location in Garden City, which is about 30 miles from here.  It's a bit of a drive, but it's going west, so it won't be too bad at the time I'll be going.  See, coming east, from NYC, the traffic at rush hour (3-7pm) is terrible.  But most people live east of where they work, so I'll be heading west, so the traffic won't be nearly as bad.

So, I'll post more about that, too, when I get everything set up. I'll be getting an ID card, e-mail address, and all that fun stuff.  And books.  And everything. OOooooh, I am excited :-D

Ya know, this has been probably the best week I've had in the past year.  Two pieces of good news, and no bad news or anything.  But that hasn't stopped me from having these weird dreams about Rocio and living in South Dakota, and things being much different. I guess my mind just won't let me be 100% happy.  I'm not down or anything, but those thought still creep into my mind, even if it is subconsciously.  Oh well.  I'm still doing well :-)

Okay, it's nearly bedtime.  Although I'll be working at 7:30 for a while when I start my new job, right now I'm still due in at 6 for the rest of the week!

-Anthony

I'll tell you, this summer has been very, very good to me.  I'm about ten weeks into my sixteen week break, and I really can't complain.  I mean, there have been a few bumps in the road, of course.  The whole not getting into Stony Brook thing was tough.  But honestly, that old saying that when one door closes, another opens is very true.  I mean, I've been looking at other schools, and I really like what I've been seeing.  I really needed a change.  I mean, it'd be nice to be at Stony Brook because Andrew is there, but having gone there for the equivalent of five years between undergrad and this past semester, I would like to see what it's like somewhere else.  I loved USD, and I do hope to love where I go next . . .which'll probably be Adelphi. 

  Yep, I'm meeting with people at C.W. Post and Adelphi on Wednesday.  Post at 11am, Adelphi at 6pm.  So I'll kill the hours in between at the Roosevelt Field mall and the movies and whatnot.  I'll get by :-)  And hopefully by the end of that, I'll know what's going to be going on for the fall more definitely.  Right now I'm leaning towards Adelphi, but we'll see what happens on Wednesday. 

Other than that, things have still been going great.  Especially work.  I've always loved working at Target, but ever since Bob asked me to join the in-stock team, I've been feeling even better about things.  In fact, this hasn't been officially announced yet at work, but I'll post it here.  I got a promotion today!  Bob (he's my boss . . . the number two guy in the store) took me aside and asked me if I'd be interested in being the signing specialist.  The way target works for hourly people (non-executive store managers) is by levels.

Level One: what I've been for the past three years.  cashier, salesfloor, backroom, etc.
Level Two: Specialist - What I'm going to be now. It's a step up, but not quite a manager
Level Three: Team Leader (aka manager for certain area)

  So yeah, I'll be a level two.  Right now it's just a temporary thing because our signing specialist is pregnant.  But she's really early on, less than two months along, and she already has a note from her doctor that says she can't do her job, since there's a lot of lifting and climbing.  So, for at least the next seven months, plus however long she's gone for maternity leave I'll be the specialist.  And he made it seem like it might not be as temporary as it may seem. 

So that's really exciting.  I'll get a raise, too!  So, yeah.  I feel really good about things right now, honestly :-)

And James and I are seeing DMB in just over two weeks!

And then again in September in Atlanta, remember!?!?

YAY!!!

Okay, more later!

-Anthony

When I listen to Stay Or Leave, I get this strange feeling.  If I close my eyes, I feel like I'm back in my dorm room in the middle of November. 

Except that I'm not depressed anymore.  Scale of 1-10, from extreme sadness to extreme happiness, I'm at 6.5.  So I'm above the middle, but not quite extremely happy.  Not yet, anyway.  But don't worry . . . it's getting there. 

I do hope that I get tired soon.  Tomorrow's a big day :-D

-Anthony