14 posts tagged “depression”
Monday, July 9, 2007
Current Music: Bruce Springsteen - Nebraska
Current Mood: nostalgic
I know that I shouldn't post this. I shouldn't be listening to the music I'm listening to, shouldn't be blogging, and shouldn't be thinking what I am. But most other nights I'd be asleep for an hour by now . . . I'm just not in the mood to sleep. I wish I was though!
I'm gonna just go ahead and say this right off the bat . . . I'm keeping this entry public, but Rocio, if you're reading this, I'd recommend you either stop reading or don't hold what I say against me.
Okay . . . let's go ahead and start. Perfect timing, as this song comes to an end. What's next . . .
(Now playing: David Gray - Please Forgive Me)
Okay. So, tonight was the annual MLB Homerun Derby. It takes place the same time every year, the second Monday in July. It's always been one of my favorite things in the baseball season. Last year I was even more excited because it a Met was in the derby . . . David Wright! Last year was nice, too, because I was still living in Sioux Falls, and Juan and I were watching while Rocio was at the gym. Then she came home from the gym and told me that we were broken up.
In the second round of the derby. While David Wright was winning!
Then she got in a car and drove away, leaving me wondering what was happening.
And we've finally hit that point . . . we've hit a year. Amazingly, I've been feeling great about my life the past month. I've posted about it here before, but work's been great, my friends have been amazing, I've been feeling really excited about my future in many different respects. I haven't been dwelling on this stuff . . . but I knew that certain days would be coming up when it is unavoidable. This was a big one.
(Now playing: Andrew Bird - Tables and Chairs)
How does iTunes know which songs are going to remind me of things and bring me down? It's very intuitive!
So, yeah. I didn't watch the derby tonight. I did record it. I may watch it at some point. But I couldn't tonight. I know it sounds dumb, but I worry that it'll always remind me of those feelings. Like, even though I don't feel badly anymore, I remember what it felt like that night. I remember it pretty clearly, and I'm fairly certain that each year it's going to remind me when the Homerun Derby is on.
There are other days coming up that I am really not looking forward to. July 21, 2007 was the date we asked the Ramada to hold for our wedding. It's also the day that the new Harry Potter book comes out, which will remind me of the night Rocio and I went to Barnes and Noble for their midnight release party for the Half-Blood Prince. So July 21 will be a tough day.
July 23 was our anniversary. Five years ago that day is when I first told her that I loved her. Seems strange that it was five years ago.
(Now playing: Coldplay - Trouble)
Understand that I'm not particularly depressed about any of this. In fact, when I think about how awkward/terrible last summer was, I am so excited that this summer is going as well as it is. It's just that July kinda sucks. Hehe.
I'll get by, though. I will.
I thought this post would be much more negative. I'm glad it's not.
-Anthony
You have to know right off the bat that I should not be awake right now. It's after 2am, I'm supposed to wake up in three hours to go to work.
Understand also that I'm very confused feeling right now and I need to blog. It's really the only way I am able to deal with the things in my head, frighteningly.
By the way, now playing is Johnny Cash and Joe Strummer singing Redemption Song.
Anyway, tonight I went to the Mets game with my brother-in-law. It was a very rainy evening, and around 8:00 they announced that if the game starts at all from the rain delay, it would be after 9pm. Since I wanted to leave by 11 in order to sleep a bit before work, we decided to just leave. They ended up starting at 10:15, after I was comfortably in bed.
I did watch the game anyway, and I'm still not tired, and I'm disappointed that I wasn't there, and I'm kinda down, and everything is going that way for me right now.
(Now Playing: Rod Stewart - Father & Son)
Okay, this song is actually a song by Cat Stevens. Alex sent it to me after I started my relationship with Rocio, because my parents were kinda against it at the time, seeing as how there was such a distance and they were afraid I was going to get hurt. The lyrics are perfect. It's alternating between what the Father would say, then the son, then back and forth. Kinda like, the father wants him to take it slow, wait things out, find someone else. The son wants to give love a chance.
It made me cry on many occasions, but I know that they were only looking out for me. I know that, but it still was so hard to deal with.
It's just been one of those days, I guess. I am very much enjoying my new job. I'm kinda nervous about how my body will handle working 4 days in a row, since I'm just not used to that. But I'll be okay, I guess. Plus, there's a reward on Sunday night . . . Mets vs. Yankees at Shea with my dad! That'll be great.
(Now playing: Bob Dylan - Most of the Time)
Well, iTunes is on random, but I wish it hadn't put this song on. I'm not going to shut it, even though I should. I posted about it a few posts ago, even including the song itself along with the lyrics.
It was also in the movie High Fidelity, which I need to watch again soon. I own it, so it shouldn't be too much of a problem.
I found a few necklaces that I bought back when I was trying to look cool. Like, cool guy necklaces, like Dave Matthews wears in the Dave and Tim storytellers. One is made out of hemp, the other some beads. I was thinking about wearing one tomorrow to work. That'd be different! We'll see how different I went to feel tomorrow morning (which is actually a few hours from now when I get ready for work).
How am I going to deal with this. Even if I'm exhausted form not sleeping, I'll go to sleep early tomorrow night, right? But what if I'm so exhausted that I don't even wake up for 6 the next day. I can't make a habit of this. I cannot make this a habit, got it?!
Sometiems I need to just yell at myself, I guess. But for the rest of tonight, I need to find something to pass the next 2.5 hours that won't make me sleepy. Because although I'm not sleepy now, it'd be a shame if I was watching something and got super-sleepy at 3:30, when I'd have to wake up an hour and a half later. See, this is why this is a bad, bad idea.
(Now playing: Dave Matthews Band - Rhyme and Reason)
This is the perfect song for what I wanted to talk about next. This song is all about the terrors of heroin addiction. It's a dark, deep, great song. But I wanted to talk about drugs. James, Sam, and I listened to Mitch Hedberg's CD on the way home from the game last night. And I got to thinking about his death of a drug overdose. Then I looked around on wikipedia to see what other celebrities died from drugs. I hate that Chris Farley is dead (Although I'm still much more angry that Phil Hartman is gone). I don't understand drugs . . . probably since I've never used any. And I am against using them. So I don't understand the appeal, and I really have no interest in finding out why they're so great.
In Rhyme and Reason, Dave sings "My head won't leave my head alone/And I don't believe it will/Til I'm dead and gone". That is unbelievably perfect. Having never used, I still kinda understand what he's saying.
How about a little reminder:
(Now playing: Elliott Smith - Between The Bars)
Elliott Smith's voice is haunting. I don't use the word often to describe a musician. But it's how I feel when I listen to his music. Another drug user, but he died by (presumed) self-stabbing.
This one one of the songs that Andrea put on a CD that she made me back in 2002, when I was first getting into the Rocio relationship. She and Rocio both love music, and she put songs that she thought we would both enjoy. The memories I have of listening to that CD with Rocio . . . good memories that cause great pain right now.
(now playing: P. Diddy - Come With Me)
Back in the day, when this first came out (1997), I didn't know what Kashmir by Led Zepplin was! Now whenever I hear this song, I don't even hear Diddy as much as Kashmir.
Wait, wasn't he known as Puff Daddy back then?
Anyway, it was on the Godzilla soundtrack.
I have to go to the next song.
(now playing: Johnny Cash - Flesh and Blood)
Beautiful song. A love song . . . .Flesh and blood needs flesh and blood . . .and you're the one I need.
Johnny Cash gives me such great memories of driving around with Rocio, listening to his music in our car, planning our wedding . . . it also gives me the other kind of feelings that are most obviously associated with tose memories. Yeah, they were great times . . . little did I know that bad things were brewing. Little did I know that all of those great feelings would be gone within a month.
(Now playing: Jack Johnson - Banana Pancakes)
I don't care how many times I post about this song. This is a wonderful song.
Here, listen:
See? It's just so sweet!
(Now playing: Michael Penn - High Time)
Okay, I'm gonna close it out with this song. From the Scrubs soundtrack. But yeah, I never meant for this to become a music post. It really isn't that much of that, since it's mostly what I'm feeling even without the music.
I need the next four days to go well, because I'm kinda on the edge, and I could go either way. This could either be a very good and very bad time for me.
I really hope it's a good time.
-Anthony
I'm not doing that well right now. Let's see . . . I've read about 200 of the 500 pages I wanted to finish tomorrow. I was trying to get 300 done by today and read the other 200 tomorrow. Looks like it'll be a busy reading day tomorrow. All I have to do during the day time is go to the gym, so that'll be about an hour and a half out of my day. If I can get up by 8:30, I can get to the gym and be home by 10:30. Then I'd have from 10:30-3:30 to read. 5 hours is a lot of time. Then I have to go help my mom with something in Riverhead. Between that and supper, I'll be back around 8. Then I can read from 8-11. Then go to bed. So I'll have a total of 8 hours of reading time. That's not counting breaks, because I can't read for 8 straight hours. I just can't do it. But I should be okay.
But I'm not down because of that. Tonight was my last night of class. It ended early, and now I'm super depressed because I'll miss my classmates a lot. It was a nice semester, feeling like I fit in and feeling very social, even if for just a few hours a night.
Well, I do start my new job the week after next. I'll be around Target a lot more, so I can feel social there, too, I guess. I just don't want to feel alone this summer. Last summer was bad enough, I need, need, need a good summer. I'll have the Mets, DMB, and friends, so it shouldn't be terrible.
I hope, anyway.
Other than that, I'm just very blah right now. I'll get better, I'm sure. The weekend will be good at least. I'll be working Saturday and Sunday. It's sad that I look forward to work, just so that I can feel social.
Anyway, I've been very up and down recently. I need to start medicine again, which means I have to go to the doctor as soon as possible before I fall off of my mom's insurance at my birthday.
Okay, that's enough from me for now. More soon or tomorrow.
I'm gonna watch tv or something. I need to calm down.
-Anthony
Now Playing: Colin Hay - Waiting For My Real Life To Begin
It's 4:30am. I just finished watching Garden State. I'm kinda dumb, because I know that when it's 2:45 and I'm depressed, the smart thing is to not watch a movie that will make me feel even worse, but I end up doing that. Then I pop on depressing music and post a depressing blog about my depressing fucking life.
Yup. I'm really not right in the head.
On the plus side, I'm seeing Colin Hay in four days, which I'm really excited about, since I bought the tickets three months ago!
I'm going to be joining eHarmony in about a month, when I have enough money to pay for a month or three of it. It's really expensive, but James is on match.com, and he's had some really good experiences already, and it's only been a week or so for him. I feel like eHarmony is a better place for me. I dunno why.
Anyway, I guess I'll try to sleep. I'm meeting James for lunch in 6.5 hours. I doubt I'll be able to wake up when I nee to. I hope I do, though.
I really do hope that.
-Anthony
(Now playing: Counting Crows - Anna Begins)
Well, it's 2:15 and I'm pretty awake. And I feel very emotional. And so I'm posting. I take that back, I'm not that awake. I'm kinda tired, but I can't seem to get over that hump and fall asleep. It's just not in the cards right now. Right now I have to post a blog. That's just the way things work.
I have so many things going on in my head. So many things I want to say. And you know what? I've said them all before, so many times that my entire blog readership will wonder if I have amnesia and just forget that I've written all this stuff down so many times before.
I want to find happiness. That's what I want. Happiness. Because it's been too long. It's been eight months. And even though I have these happy moments during the week, I don't have the whole ness to add to the happy.
I'm sick of these feelings. I'm sick and freaking tired of feeling this way. I know that this is the kinda stuff I always say late at night when I'm trying to fall asleep and I can't and I start watching Scrubs, or listening to music, or doing something else that's gonna depress me even more.
(Now playing: George Harrison - My Sweet Lord)
I have very wonderful memories of my time living in South Dakota. I really do. And I miss things sometimes. It's not that I miss Rocio, mind you. It's the little things. The things that I would miss if it was any girl. Going food shopping with her, picking her up from work, going to pick up the chinese food. The little things.
Ya know?
I miss being a family. This still isn't home to me. In my phone, I don't have a number marked "home". For my house phone, I have it as "mom and dad" in my phone book. I used to feel this way at USD. That I didn't have a home. I know that my family is here, and my friends. And the interesting thing is that when I'm with my friends, I feel like I'm home. They say home is where your heart is, right? Honestly, that's when I feel the most home, when I'm sitting in a diner with James, or driving around with Pete or Andrew. That's when I feel the best. When I'm here, I feel like I'm just waiting until the next chance I can be with my friends again.
I know that things happen quickly. I know that things come out of nowhere sometimes. So maybe I'll meet someone soon. Maybe it'll happen when I least expect it. Which is good because I've stopped expecting it at all.
(Now playing: Coldplay - Warning Sign)
Well, this song is depressing. And it's in the movie The Last Kiss, which is one of my favorite movies, even though the movie is also depressing.
The music works well for me right now, though. I want more. I want more than what I have. Some would say I'm damn lucky to have what I have. And compared to what I had just three and a half months ago, when I was sitting in my dorm room, 1,500 miles away from a single person who loved me, then yeah, I have it all.
But I don't have it all. I can't lie to myself and pretend that I do just because it should make me feel better. The truth is that I want more. I'm not being greedy here. I just want something more than what I have right now. God. 2:30. I just watched an episode of "How I Met Your Mother" that was titled 'Nothing Good Ever Happens After 2am'. I am starting to believe that. Heh. I wish I could just go to sleep.
I guess that's what I'll try now.
-Anthony
Okay, bear with me here, please
I've had a lot of feelings in the past few days, and I don't even know what to do with them.
(Now playing: The Shins - Know Your Onion!)
I'm not depressed, I'm not depressed, I'm not depressed.
I think that if I tell myself enough, I'll actually believe that I'm not depressed. It's kinda strange, though. The last time that I posted a normal blog, not just something like a QoTD or Vox Hunt, was almost two weeks ago. This is not good, though. A lot can go wrong in two weeks. A lot.
I just got home a few hours ago from a wake. It's only the second wake I've ever been to, the first one was my grandfather on Feb 16 and 17, 2002. So, five years later, I went to my Aunt Marie's wake. She was great. She really was. I feel bad, too, because Rocio loved Aunt Marie. They were so similar and they got along so well. And I felt so bad telling Rocio. But she had to know.
(Now playing: The Police - Message In a Bottle)
But you know, I drove to and from the wake with my brother Frank, my sister-in-law Lori, and my sister Angela. The wake was in Brooklyn, so we had about an hour drive, plus whatever traffic we might hit. And we had a great time. Frank was messing with the XM radio and navigation system and whatnot. We all really enjoyed ourselves, which is good when the two hours in the middle were spent in a very depressing room with sadness and thoughts of death and whatnot.
But I'm not depressed. I'm not depressed. I'm not depressed.
Remember?
I keep going up and down, really. There are days when I wonder if I'll ever find someone. I am dying for something to happen. I'm wishing I could get to that point, where it's all new and all amazing after finally meeting someone. There are some days when I don't get down about it. It's like, I know it's gonna happen. It's only when I start wishing that it'll happen soon that I get really down. I got How I Met Your Mother - Season 1 on DVD. I just finished watching the pilot episode. This is one of those times when I wish it'd all just happen for me, soon. I'm as close to depressed as I can be without actually being depressed.
(Now Playing: Aqualung - Brighter Than Sunshine)
I may very well be depressed, but I don't think so. I am actually looking forward to work tomorrow. And I'm looking forward to Monday. And I'm looking forward to Tuesday and Wednesday too! And even Thursday and Friday. Amazing. I'm actually looking forward to this week. I can't wait to look back on Friday night and see if it was justified. Part of me thinks that it's not going to be as good a week as I think. We'll really see how tomorrow goes. I work 2-close. I am kinda looking forward to it, even though I don't know who I'm working with. But it really shouldn't be too bad, either way. I enjoy myself no matter what, ya know?
(Now Playing: The Postal Service - The District Sleeps Tonight)
I made my myspace profile song a Postal Service song, but not this one. I just thought I'd say that.
I want to sleep, I want to wake up and be happy and have the rest of my life planned out and be with the one I love.
kthanx
-ant
It's Saturday night, and (as usual), I'm kinda down. This blog is ridiculous. I must look so depressing. But that's the thing . . . I'm not the same person I used to be. People are starting to notice and it scares the hell out of me.
Let's take Target for example. Before I left for South Dakota, back when I was still living in New York, back when things were great, I was amazingly fun, happy, silly, and awesome to work with. People loved my enthusiasm. Now, I can't even fake it anymore. I was told today that the person could tell that I was sad from my eyes. I had sad eyes! I've also become "emo" in a sense. I am down, and i listen to sad music, even though I shouldn't.
This stuff all scares me. And, like i said, when you read my blog, I'm sure i come across as a lonely, depressed person. And it's not really 100% true. I had a great night last night. James and I had dinner, then I drove around for an hour while we listened to music and discussed a whole bunch of stuff, like religion and stuff. I mean, it was awesome.
I dunno.
I dunno at all.
(i miss a lot of things)
-Anthony
Colin Hay - I Just Don't Think I'll Ever Get Over You
I drink good coffee every morning
Comes from a place that's far away
And when I'm done I feel like talking
Without you here there is less to say
I don't want you thinking I'm unhappy
What is closer to the truth
That if I lived till I was 102
I just don't think I'll ever get over you
I'm no longer moved to drink strong whisky
'Cause I shook the hand of time and I knew
That if I lived till I could no longer climb my stairs
I just don't think I'll ever get over you
Your face it dances and it haunts me
Your laughter's still ringing in my ears
I still find pieces of your presence here
Even after all these years
But I don't want you thinking that I don't get asked to dinner
'Cause I'm here to say that I sometimes do
Even though I may soon feel the touch of love
I just don't think I'll ever get over you
If I lived till I was 102
I just don't think I'll ever get over you
Saturday, January 27, 2007
Current Music: Michael Buble - Sway
Although this song is very upbeat and happy, I am not. I'm starting my entry with that statement for a few reasons. First, it it to let you, the reader, know what to expect when reading the entry. I haven't titled it yet (I usually wait until the end to put a title), so I don't know how easy it will be to decipher the entry from the title. I also wanted to start my entry with the information because of how strongly I feel right now. These aren't your run-of-the-mill blues. This is depression, plain and simple. I really don't think I can sugarcoat it or hide it now. It's been going on for a few days now.
(Now playing: Dave Matthews - Stay or Leave)
I'm not all too sure how iTunes knows to play this song right when I should not be listening to it. I do have a choice, of course. I can very easily push on to the next song right now, skipping right over this song. And yet, sometimes, you just need to hear certain things.
I blame no one for my depression, except probably myself. I have been listening to the sad music, I have been watching the sad movies and television shows. I haven't been able to pull myself out of it, so I dug a hole and jumped deeper into it.
The way I used to laugh with you was loud and hard
There is very little going on in my life right now. Even counting starting a new school and whatnot, I still feel very motionless.
(Now playing: Ben Folds - The Luckiest)
Even I know when to skip a song. This one is too much.
(Now playing: Haley Bonar - Am I Allowed)
Now this song, even though it reminds me of Andrew Bird and that trip, it's still important for me to enjoy this song. It's important for me to be able to hold on to the good memories. A long, long time ago, Mandi told me that I need to hold on to the good memories. It's still hard, because the good memories make me miss Rocio. And they lead me to the bad memories. And it's hard for me to deal with that.
On a side note, I want to be in love, and someone to love me.
We'll stay up all night just telling stories
Like we did before, dear, any of this happened
They'll hear us laughing, and everywhere that we go
They'll see us smiling and holding hands, too
Cause I still love you
I want the world to know
That I still love you
hmm.
(Now playing: The Fray - How to Save a Life)
I do not know what this song is actually about. Honestly. It's the theme to Gray's Anatomy, I think. It was used in Scrubs (as I posted a while back), but is it about being a doctor? Or is it about losing a friend, literally? I really don't know. I do know that it is a great song, but kinda depressing.
I have been cleaning out my room today. Last week, I got most of the stuff that reminded me of Rocio together, and put it away for now. But today, I ran across some other stuff. Little things, like pictures, movie stubs, greeting cards, and stuff like that. I know it's naive to think that we should have lasted forever, but I never expected it to end. It was a rookie mistake, really. I was head over heels, and I didn't think realistically. It just seemed so perfect.
(Now playing: Lazlo Bane - Superman [Scrubs Theme Song])
When I would drive to Target from my former house in Sioux Falls (the one I shared with Rocio), I listened to a two-song playlist on my iPod. The first song was Somewhere Over The Rainbow by Israel K'ohamahenam and the other one was this song. And it usually ended right as I got to the store. And this song made me feel good. It kinda got my pumped up for work. In my mind I was thinking that I could be just like J.D., and I'd have friends like Turk, Elliot, and Carla, and work would be full of interesting stuff with great musical accompaniment. Wasn't like that though. More often than not, I just took returns and got bored.
Oh well.
I do miss them, still. Those Sioux Falls Target people. They were good people.
One day I shall visit them again.
(Now playing: The Proclaimers - I'm Gonna Be [500 miles])
I'll end this entry on an up note, music-wise. Pete and I drove around the Mall parking lot on Wednesday with the windows open, with this song BLASTING! And that made me smile.
For all the sadness I have, I also know that I have things here, too. And it'd be very strange to think about if it had worked out with Rocio, never seeing my friends here regularly again.
That'd be very weird.
there is indeed a silver lining . . . . . .THERE IT IS! The title to my entry today. Hooray for my mind!
-Anthony
From this scrubs video, I heard the song below. Let's just say . . . I feel kinda down today.
Rhett Miller - Come Around
I'm dressed all in blue and I'm remembering you
And the dress you wore when you broke my heart
I'm depressed upstairs and I'm remembering where
And when and how and why'd you have to go so far
Am I gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
Am I gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
I'm gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
Unless you come around so come around
I'm dressed all in white and I remember the night
You came on to me and opened up my heart
I was hollow then till you filled me in now I'm empty again
I should have never let it start
Am I gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
Am I gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
I'm gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
Unless you come around so come around
No one else can fix me although sometimes my heart tricks me
Into thinking someone else will do
But you're the only one you are the only one
Am I gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
Am I gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
I'm gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
Unless you come around so come around
So come around so come around
I'm dressed all in blue and I'm remembering you
And the dress you wore when you broke my heart
