1 post from June 2009

"I can't believe that we would lie in our graves wondering if we had spent our living days well . . . "

It's impossible to know when we'll be gone, impossible to know what's going to happen to us next. Life is full of little surprises, isnt' it?  We live our lives every day, trying to do things to make it okay.  To get to the next day.  It's really easy to get into a routine.  It's really easy to stay stationary, in a way.  Lately, I've felt stationary in certain parts of my life while other parts are moving ahead wonderfully.  I just want the stationary parts to move forward too. 

The wedding planning is just about done.  It was pretty much done less than a month into the engagement.  We picked the date, the hall, DJ, pictures, etc.  All that's left is the flowers.  And then it's the little things.  Finalizing the guest list.  Picking the menu.  The easier stuff.  I'm thrilled that everything went so easily.  Just gotta wait the eight months until the wedding :-)

The rest feels like a routine.  I pretty much work for my next day off.  I look forward to Tuesdays and every other weekend, because that's when I'm off.  I'm actually looking forward to going back to school.  I feel like I need to jumpstart something.  I've been getting realllllly sick of Target lately, it's been a frustrating place to be.  I go through highs and lows all the time there, so I'll be fine soon enough.  But still, I need to finish up so I can move on and get a real job.

I cannot believe that next year is going to be my 10 year reunion.  Ten years since I graduated from high school.  It's such a strange feeling.  I'm going to be 27 in a few weeks.  Someone I work with turns 17 next week.  I hardly feel like I'm ten years older than her. 

I'm sitting here listening to Ants Marching . . . the studio cut from Under The Table and Dreaming.  I'm already up to 11 years of being a Dave Matthews Band fanatic.  We're talking about 40% of my life.  Is it any wonder that when I finally decided to get a tattoo, it would be a dmb one.  They just released a new album, one that I've been waiting with anticipation for a long time for. 

Good timing . . . a song from that album called You & Me just came on.  This song makes me feel really excited about starting my life with Heather.  It makes me excited about having a family, growing old with someone. 

You and me together
We could do anything, baby
You and me together
Yes, yes . . .

It's amazing how much this band means to me.  When LeRoi died, it felt like a family member died.  I was at the three concerts immediately following the funeral . . . the first one was just two days after.  The amazing thing is the fact that the band came out and played, even the night that Roi died.  Dave said he just wanted to be with the people one stage and with us in the audience.  Music was therapy for them, and it was for all of us at the Gorge that weekend.  Every show I've been to since, every time Dave mentions LeRoi, we all feel what Dave feels. He'll always be Stage Left.

But then the wrong and rage is over
When light comes laughing loud
Oh and the hatred turns into loving
And out of nightime the soul is found
Oh when flowers bloom in the desert
Only hope can come from that
Oh and worn down in your worry
Only love can get it right"

That's from Grey Street, July 12, 2000.  One of my absolute favorite versions that happened to pop up on shuffle. 

It's always been the lyrics for me.  I mean, the music is great.  But I don't know that much about music, and I usually just get lost in it.  On the message boards, when people are discussing Carter's drumming or Stefan or Boyd's fills, I don't really catch them.  But lyrics . . . Dave's words.  Those get me every time.  I've said before that I think Dave Matthews Band has saved my life on a few occasions.  I've been down before . . . like really low.  It's been a while since I've felt that way, but it's happened multiple times.  And it's always this music that keeps me going.  It's the Carpe Diem attitude. It's the way the songs relate to me.  It's the fact that I can put on certain songs like Song That Jane Likes or Granny, and I can't help but smile.  It just happens, no matter what's going on.  And sometimes, when you just have to listen to sad music, there's plenty of that there too.  There are a lot of lyrics that help you realize that you need to live for today, the first thing I wrote in this entry, from Lie In Our Graves, is a great example. When all is siad and done, you don't want to regret anything.  You don't want to wonder if you've lived well or not.  You need to be happy in your life. 

There used to be a very positive person inside of me.  It's still in there, but it's hidden by a lot of self-hate.  It's hidded deeeeeeep down, and it needs to come out soon.  It's gonna be tough . ..  but I really need fix what's wrong with me and fix my attitude. 

But really, life isn't bad at all. 

Hehe, certain songs can bring it all back to a good place for me. 

Like this one:

07 Spaceman

Dave Matthews Band