The Last Kiss and my philosophy on happiness
Kim: having a crisis are we?
Michael: do I look like I'm having a crisis?
Kim: everyone I know is having a crisis. I know you are not supposed to get them until midlife but I think something's happening to our metabolism
Michael: our metabolism?
Kim: [nods] yeah I mean the world is moving so fast now, we are all chasing something so fast that we start freaking out long before our parents did
This is from the movie The Last Kiss. I started watching it about twenty minutes ago, but I stopped. I stopped for two reasons. First, I am kinda tired and wouldn't make it very far into it. Secondly, and much more annoyingly, I knew that if I watched any farther, I'd get depressed.
Even with Bob Marley playing in the background, telling me that "every little thing's gonna be alright", I still can't get over the quote above. I agree with Kim. They call them mid-life crises. They say that they're supposed to come in your mid-40s or so. I'm going to be 25 in a few months. I am already having my crisis. It'll be great if this turns out to be my only crisis in life.
See, here's my real problem: Although I was in a committed, serious relationship/engagement for four years, I am 100% inexperienced with relationships; specifically getting into them. I have no clue how to start a relationship. I have no idea how to ask a girl out. I have no idea how to even try to find out if someone is involved without looking like I'm interested or whatever. I am a total novice. And that is not good when you're my age. Every girl around me would expect me to at least have some skills in that department. It scares me. It's what really scares me the most about getting "back in the game".
The thing is that I am really basing my happiness on finding the right person. Any outsider reading my blog would think that it's an obsession, which sounds kinda creepy. But I do equate my happiness with finding someone. Each person is different, and someone else may be perfectly happy living their life without the need to find their soulmate. And I understand that. For me, though, the search for someone is my search for happiness. I was depressed before Rocio because of the same thing. I was alone. And I was sad. I wasn't scared, though. I was young (just 19), so I didn't feel my own internal clock ticking within me.
This isn't to say that I'm really depressed at this moment. I'm down, yeah, but I'm not terribly down. It's another Friday night. At least tomorrow I'm hanging out with James. I won't feel like my entire weekend is lonely. I do have a lot of work to do, and have been reading for a good part of the night. So I feel good about that. And I'll be finishing my reading tomorrow before dinner with James.
Anyway, that's my story for tonight.
-Anthony
